Yugen # 34 Transactional Analysis – A Brief Introduction

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

Transactional Analysis is a theory of Personality and systematic psychotherapy for personal development and personal change. This concept was given by Eric Berne.Eric Berne was born on May 10, 1910, in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, as Eric Lennard Bernstein. He was the son of David Hillel Bernstein, MD, a general practitioner, and Sarah Gordon Bernstein, a professional writer and editor. His only sibling, his sister Grace, was born five years later. The family immigrated to Canada from Poland and Russia. Berne’s father died of tuberculosis when Berne was 11. His mother then supported herself and her two children working as an editor and writer. She encouraged her son to follow in his father’s footsteps and to study medicine. After completing his one-year internship in 1936, he began his psychiatric residency at the Psychiatric Clinic of Yale University School of Medicine, where he worked for two years.

He developed the tripartite scheme used today (Parent, Adult, and Child), introduced the three-circle method of diagramming it, showed how to sketch contaminations, labelled the theory, “structural analysis”, and termed it “a new psychotherapeutic approach”.By the 1970s, because of TA’s non-technical and non-threatening jargon and model of the human psyche, many of its terms and concepts were adopted by eclectic therapists as part of their individual approaches to psychotherapy. Within the framework of transactional analysis, more recent transactional analysts have developed different and overlapping theories of transactional analysis: cognitive, behavioural, relational, redecision, integrative, constructivist, narrative, body-work, positive psychological, personality adaptational, self-reparenting, psychodynamic and neuro constructivist

Berne was influenced by many teachers who influenced his thinking and inspired him to work on this field for therapy to patients. Professor Eugen Kahn, German Psychiatrist and Eric Berne teacher on psychoanalytic theories,Dr. Paul Federn Austrian ,American psychologist spoke of functions of ego formation,Professor Erik Erikson, German American developmental Psychologist and Psychoanalyst worker and taught Eric Berne on psychotherapy and Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist laid the foundation of phenomena of transference and resistance and multi- faceted components of personality

Assumptions  and Principles in TA :

(1)People are OK. This is the fundamental acceptance that regardless of what you do, no matter what you think, or despite your feelings you are a worthwhile, valuable person in your own right. You are special. Everyone is special. We are all as important as each other. This is a statement of essence and not behaviour.

My personal takeaways from this are

• You and I both have worth, value and dignity.
• You accept me as me and I accept you as you.
• We are all equal and no one is one up on the other.
• I recognise your presence in my life and acknowledge you for being you and vice versa.
• I will not attempt to change people to suit my needs ,although the person has a different appearance and qualities that do not fit into my frame .
• I will accept people openly for what they are over what they do and have.
• I must respect everybody and accept them as they are.
• Positive reinforcement increases the feeling of OKness in all of us.
• Each person has validity, importance and equality of respect.
• Each of us deserves positive strokes because we all co -exist.
• I must positively stroke and accept the damaged and unaccepted  parts of my personality to heal myself. I can change myself by stroking the rejected part and making it unite with the accepted part of my personality.
• My awareness of myself and my behaviour with people around me will heal me of my damages, pain and suffering.

2) We can all think. If we have all got the capacity to think then we have all got the capacity to work out what we want and work out how to get there.

My personal takeaways from this are

• Everyone who has a functional brain can think.
• Everyone can decide and live the consequences of their choices
• I should not underestimate anyone’s ability to think and decide.
• I should not look down or judge anyone’s capabilities.
• All have a basic lovable core and desire for personal growth.

3)People decide their own destiny and have the power to change these decisions at any time. If we got to where we are today because of the decisions that we made then it’s within our power to change these decisions. We can be who we want to be and achieve our goals if that’s what we choose to do. Small changes may start the process and build up to larger changes when it feels safe.  It’s about getting around the barriers to change together.  Sometimes they need kicking down, sometimes we go round them and sometimes we realise that although they look like they are there, when we examine them up close, they are not there at all.

My personal takeaways from this are

• I have only one life  and I am making my own life.
• I make my own decisions and have to face the consequences of those decisions.
• I have to take ownership of our own decisions and be accountable for the actions and results.
• The power to change my life lies with me.
• With awareness I can change my life to a more meaningful and fulfilling one.
• I will not resort to luck and fate and blame others for my problems.
• All emotional difficulties in life are curable.

PRINCIPLES OF TA:

• Contract which can be an administrative one as well as a psychological contract emphasising on mutual respect ,trust and confidentiality. This enables to set expectations and goals for parties involved in TA.
• Open communication which is free of jargons and acknowledges that you and I are on equal levels.This enables mutual acceptance, respect and non- violent communication between the parties.

Yugen #33 The Magic of studying Transactional Analysis : My Journey of discovering my script by looking within

This article is to inspire and ignite our minds and realise the lives we live in complete or partial unawareness of how scripts dominate most of our decisions. I am a diploma student of Transactional Analysis and the decision to study TA has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself in my life. I have always been a careful spender of time and money and always thought that I am born to struggle. I have been trying to get answers for myself, why do I behave the way I do, dealing with the complexity of my polarities and many a times confused with my own behaviour. I have studied psychology to help me get answers to this inner conflict in my mind and I am so glad that TA has helped me to make a beginning in this self -discovery. What we commonly call as faith and destiny is a script that we have written for ourselves and received as a gift from our parents and elders at home. That we are the owners of our own life and have the ability to rewrite it instead of continued unhappiness and suffering ,has been the most important discovery for me.

As I was growing up ,since early childhood I have experienced the exclusions and differential treatment from my parents as compared to their male heir, my brother. I lived for more than 52 years of my life thinking that this was my destiny. TA has given me the answers of how this has impacted my self-esteem and self-worth. The fact that I have been punishing myself by thinking that I do not deserve something good or that I am not good enough is only a frame I choose to live my life by and that it is not too late to regain control of my life. I quote from the wisdom of Panchatantra.

These 5 are fixed for every man

Before he leaves the womb

His length of days, his fate, his wealth,

His learning and his tomb

                                                      — Panchatantra 200 BC

I have read a lot of self- help and motivational books that emphasised the importance of positive outlook in life and the gift of gratitude. This failed to satisfy my inner turmoil and reading and studying TA has provided me with a scientific understanding of the reasons and impacts of certain parental injunctions, the drivers I continue to pursue and helped unleash my energy and hidden potential when I have discovered that I could give myself the permission to be autonomous, happy and free. It helped me realise how I let my parents control me and my life all these years. Today I choose to become consciously aware of all the passivity  and unhealthy symbiosis in my life.

It set me thinking. What is my life story ? Is it sad, happy, satisfied, fearful resentful, filled with grief and hurt  ? What would be the title of my story? How would I choose to write the closing scene ?

As Eric Berne said “The destiny of every human being is decided by what goes on inside his skull when he is confronted with what goes on outside his skull. Each person decides in early childhood how he will live and how he will die.”

TA helped me to understand how I have been seeking comfort in my outdated beliefs and  strategies about myself and others around me. The urges were actually racket feelings and not genuine expressions, thus I was living a scripted life. The inherent desire to be accepted and be loved by my parents was the reason for my behaviour that was pushing me always to please my parents, many a times at the cost of impacting my marital life in an adverse way. It has taken me years to gain the strength to say no and be assertive about things I want in my life for myself and not what others want me to do for them. I have also realised that many a times I have been trying to escape from taking personal responsibility of my actions, by blaming my parents. I have understood the reasons that decisions made by me as a kid ,then with my child like intellect ,as I was growing up influenced and impacted me in a very destructive  way, I continued to live a scripty life based on what I felt when I was about 6-7 years old, just the time when my sibling was born and I experienced neglect and hatred. I also have become aware of the games that I have been a part of like  Kick me, Blemish and a few more ,out of my awareness. Today I am more enduring of how the parental injunctions and drivers have influenced my decisions and mannerisms. Many of the harsh statements still ring in my ears .I acknowledge now  that I have a choice to choose my way ahead and not continue to be a victim and lament about it. The freedom ,joy and autonomy that I have been experiencing in the past one year has been very liberating.

To get into the depth I looked within and asked myself these questions .

What did my parents tell me about life when I was little ?

What did my parents say to me when they were angry ?

What kind of conversations did I have with my parents ?

The answers were not pleasing but I understood what lead me to scripty behaviours in my life.  The parental programming determined how and when my urges were expressed and how and when the restraints were imposed. I understand today how parental programs sets up the circuits in a certain way in order to get certain results or payoffs. This in turn sets up a lot of passive behaviours, unhealthy symbiosis, racket feelings and games. Such is the influence that all the responses of a child are determined by parental directives even as the child grows up into an adult. It’s like a voice inside the head that constantly tells you what to do and what not to do. The lack of autonomous decisions steals away our opportunity to  be free and happy. It’s like a broken record that keeps on playing inside our head telling us that if we do something we are going to hurt somebody. It was a discovery and sheer delight to realize the formula of my script.

Early parental influence : influence of early authority figures on us

Program: denotes how script is organised

Compliance: does the script comply with parental influence or not ?

Important behaviour : behaviours that maintain the script

Payoffs : all scripts have payoffs that maintain the frame of reference

A scripty life steals away from us the ability to live life  filled with awareness, spontaneity and impacts the intimacy in our relationships. The drivers and process scripts influence how we discount our ability and potential in decision making and problem solving. The frame of reference itself is distorted. TA helped me to deep dive and realise this . The curses, injunctions, provocations ,prescriptions, adult instructions, demonic impulses and finally the spell breaker is the magic of self-discovery.

When you replace “Why is this happening to me?” with “ What is this trying to teach me ?” everything shifts.

The study of TA has helped me to shift , what about you ?

Yugen #32 – Coping with Loss

Your Body is away from me,

But there is a window open

From my heart to yours                          ————-   Rumi

The year 2020 and 2021 has been a very tricky one for most of us. We never envisaged that one has to face and deal with loss and grief of such huge proportions in the last few decades post the Spanish flu, the great Bengal famine and the two world wars. Today as we crawl towards a new normal life, one has become more wiser and reflective thanks to all the time we had to ourselves confined in closed spaces, to think about our purpose and what does life have in store for me ?

Today the corporate world is facing a new challenge – the  great resignation syndrome ? But what has triggered thi? People have become more aware of the meaning of life and what intimacy actually means. With sudden loss of near and dear ones, the inability to say fond good byes, the travel restrictions coming in the way to accompany the person in their final journeys and many more such activities that we just took for granted have started hitting us hard. We want to make the most of what we are left with, live in the moment for we do not know what lies ahead of us.

People are coping with loss in various ways. For some the daily 9 to 5 routine for money is no more appealing .They are increasingly questioning the value of time, the value of their relationships at home and work, their identity and self- esteem.

Do I feel loved ?

Do I feel wanted?

Do I feel respected for what I do ?

Any place that does not provide answers in the affirmative, home or work, is today a small trigger to say a goodbye to a bond that is no longer serving its purpose of mutual needs. I see more and more youngsters quitting their jobs to take up freelance assignments and happy to travel for months in nomadic existence. People around me have become so simple in their existence and demands of personal needs. Less is more today. People  are more accepting of frugal means of living. Materialistic forms of self-gratification for many have taken a back seat and they prefer to spend money on experiences, living through travel, gardening, loving pets, social causes etc. The ethos of society is probably moving more towards humanity and compassion post the pandemic…which incidentally is still not over.

Post the wars its only now that we had to deal with loss of various kinds

Loss of social contact due to lockdowns

Loss of personal spaces due to work from home norms

Loss of movement due to travel restrictions

Loss of  lives due to covid

Loss of identity due to remote working

Loss of personal security due to increased anxiety

Loss of wealth due to economy slowdown

Loss of expression especially for children forbidden to play in parks and sports grounds

Loss of peace and security due to living with unknown future

Loss of love within family members unable to express physical touch due to distance

Loss of friendships due to death ,separation, distance

Loss of relationships especially for working professionals who miss the casual conversations over tea breaks.

Moving from denial to acceptance(DABDA ,refer Kubler Ross grief curve) has been a huge transformational journey for most of us.

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.

Because for those who love with their heart and soul

There is no such thing as separation.                            Rumi

Yugen # 31 Falling in love with Loneliness

There is a difference between Loneliness and Solitude,

One will empty you and one will fill you.

You have the power to choose.       —   Rumi

If you are afraid to be alone, it means you’re afraid of your thoughts. There is always a particular thought that triggers any stressful feeling. It could be you thinking of something that you don’t have and thus you tend to give yourselves a lot of discomfort. So do you always believe what you think? The way out is  to always question your thoughts and question the thoughts behind your unhappiness. The unspoken belief is that unless people approve of me, I’m worthless , useless and unsuccessful. We tend to see and evaluate our existence based on the judgements given by others. This constant need to seek love, attention, admiration and approval is the main reason of a feeling of emptiness within us. Its only when you learn to be comfortable with yourself will you admire the power of silence and solitude.

During testing times of the pandemic, the world is trying to deal with grief and loss. Unable to make social connections, many are driven to confinement and loneliness. How does one learn to deal with this? The essence of existence is then to accept and start being comfortable with loneliness and this demands that we start getting comfortable with ourselves first.

A season of loneliness and isolation is when a catepillar gets its wings    Mandy Hale

A deep introspection of these questions may help you.

WHO AM I ?  

Ask yourself this question over and over again . Dig deeper into yourself and peel the outer layers of your personality just like how we peel the layers of an onion to reach the inner core. This is your  true self. Accept and acknowledge it, only then will you be comfortable with yourself. You can cut all the clutter and noise and the silence will  no longer invoke fear or depression but a gentle wave of joy and peace will surround you.

So, do you tend to associate your identity to your profession or your relationships status ? Have you discovered something more about yourself ? Did this lead you to recollect and rekindle a part of you that lay hidden beneath the sheets of societal and parental conditioning. How do I treat myself ? Do I pity myself? Do I see myself as a victim of my circumstances? The crucial  part is that our mind gets stuck  and we need to push ourselves to find reasons to move ourselves out of this rut.

If you’ve ever felt lonely before, you know just how badly it can hurt. Scientists have even called loneliness an epidemic due to how widespread and severe the isolation can seem in our modern way of living. We all have feelings of being alone in this world from time to time, but we can learn valuable lessons through the seemingly unbearable pain. The next time you feel lonely remember

“When you are evolving to your higher self, the road seems lonely. But you’re simply shedding energies that no longer match the frequency of your destiny.” – Unknown

Its your road and yours alone. Other may walk it along with you, but no one can walk it along with you.

Yugen # 30 Mother to Son

I was Existing

Till you came into my life,

Giving a new meaning to my being.

You made me a mother

And I thank the universe for this beautiful experience.

Your cooing and laughter

Your hugs and cuddles

Your  out stretched arms opened the doors to a room full of happiness and warmth.

Yes there were hurdles, pain and sleepless nights

Overhauled by your sweet baby talk and innocent love .

You have given us so many delightful moments which are now memories

All those years of tender love

Have filled my cup of life to my brim

And as I see your photographs today

I have a wide grin.

You stay up late to wish me on Mothers day,

You remember my anniversary and Birthday.

You are no longer my little flower bud,

And as you blossom into a young adult

You now play a new role in my life,

As my advisor, friend and confidant.

Wishing you loads of happiness, love, kisses and hugs

Till we embrace each other soon.

                                                                 

Yugen #29 How I got rid of toxic relationships in my life

It’s not your job to detox toxic people. It’s your job to detox the part of you that resonates with their toxicity. Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.

Every day we meet those people  who make us feel unenergetic and depressed after a conversation with them. Instead of uplifting our  mood, these individuals specialise in criticizing and attracting negativity in their conversations.

How do we define a toxic relationship ?

Lillian  Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert who coined the term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seek to undermine the other.

How do you identify a toxic friend ?

Most of us  are caught up in the vicious cycle of maintaining a relationship because we do not want the other person to feel bad. Oh .” Just how can I tell her that you make me feel sick and depressed.”

I write about a few categories that I have identified in my life and have consciously got rid of them for my own mental peace and wellbeing. Such relationships exist all around us, for example parents, siblings, cousins, relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours …

The blood sucking leeches: These are the one that hang on to you ,clinging for their own selfish needs. You assume it is a symbiotic relationship, however it tends to be a parasitical one, where they reap all the benefits and leave you feeling miserable and taken advantage of.

The emotional drama gamer: These are the con artists who ace in engaging you in their dramas, playing on your emotions. You will tend to start owning their  problems  and innocently become a part of their game plan without realising the same. As you continue to get sucked in ,you find it difficult to  break free.

The cry baby complainer: Then there are those who are the eternal complain masters ,blaming everyone and everything around you. They see the world with tinted glasses and refuse to accept situations and move ahead . The self- pity pursuers  resort to  blaming their fate, situations and everyone around them. Their constant need to seek  attention will sap you of your energy and make you feel low .

The eternal depressive : These  are the twins of the cry-babies. Talking to them will make you feel lost and depressed. Their negative energy wears on you. Conversations drain you and don’t do anything to uplift your moods .

The swinging double whammy: The double standard acer who will never let you know their real intentions. You can never rely on them, as the balance can tilt anytime to suit their needs, leaving you high and dry. By the  time you realise this ,you would have been in a very embarrassing situation and left high and dry. They  take pride in putting down people in front of known in your social circle at a time when you need their support the most.

Sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things. Don’t let negative and toxic people rent in your head. Increase the rent and kick them out.

Yugen # 28 Living like Jonathan Livingston Seagull

You need to keep finding yourself, a little more each day, that real unlimited you. Look with your understanding, find out what you know and you’’ll see the way to fly.

These  lines  are written by  Richard  Bach in his bestseller book gifted to me by a friend on my birthday  in 1992 during my internship program. I had read the book then and I read it now in 2021 after 29 years.

The perspectives have changed over a period of three decades and I enjoyed reading it and connecting it with a few incidents in my life .

1. There is so much to learn, he flew off by himself again, far out at sea, hungry, happy, learning.

After my post- graduation ,being one of the six  female management graduates from a class of 40 , during a time when recession hit the world, it was tough getting that first dream job. That’s when I learnt my first lesson in the corporate world. Have a leap of faith and go with the flow. All my job changes were guided by the opportunity to learn and execute new things rather than the paycheck. This has kept me going for the next three decades.

2.Such promises are only for the ordinary, one who has touched excellence in his learning has no need of that kind of promise, proud that his fear was under control.

At 48  I ventured to go back to B school and do a formal professional degree in change management . Choose the best for yourself and trust your instinct .  Surround yourself  with bright young minds and keep learning. Discuss your experiences and failures and learn from them. Most important is to control your self- doubt and master the power of self- love and self -belief and most important never stop learning.

3.How much more there is now to living. There is a reason to life. We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free ! we can learn to fly. Who  is more responsible than a gull who finds and follows a meaning, a higher purpose of life.

The corporate job and a young child at home made it difficult to find time to socialise with friends ,let alone read a book. So I found a way out to keep myself updated. All my weekends I started teaching my subjects at management  schools , mingling with bright budding aspirants, which triggered a lot of self and peer learning. So if you want to master a subject ,start teaching it. Its been seventeen years and today when I discuss some of my mistakes I own them with pride, for they have been my stepping stones.

4.Boredom,fear and anger are the reasons that a gulls life is so short.one school is finished and the time  has come for another to begin. Until we began  to learn that there is such a thing as perfection.

There comes a time in your life that the designation, growth and paycheck cannot still contain the feeling of emptiness due to the meaningless rat race.Thats the time I started questioning myself and the very purpose of my existence and source of despair.

That’s when I learnt the three basic needs of all humans and decided to do something about it.

Inspite of reaching that stability in the corporate job, something within me  just didn’t seem right. It was a lingering feeling of unhappiness and  discontentment. Everything was there and still there was this nudge  to reach out and do more.

Instead of being enfeebled by age, be empowered by it.

Age has always been a number and not a deterrent. I have never allowed my age to come in the way of exploring new possibilities, seeking adventure or trying a new assignment. In fact  age has always empowered me to jump into the unknown and expand my window of opportunities .

If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally over come space and time, we have destroyed our own brotherhood. But overcome space and all we have left is here. Overcome time and all we have left is now. Everything that limits us we have to put it aside.

In your journey as you seek perfection or mastery through rigorous practice you will find yourself lonely at times and it is important to focus on the here and now so that your energy is directed towards seeking your goal. Each day I promise to be the better version of myself. Each year, I promise to study something new and raise my personal bar. Each time I converse with my friends, I speak about my experiences and failures with pride. Live your life as no one is watching. Most adults live their life with self-doubt and deprive themselves of love and happiness. Do not reach out to seek validation and appreciation from others instead find the fire and love within you and enjoy the power of self love.

“You think you are alive because you breathe air?
Shame on you, that you are alive in such a limited way.
Don’t be without Love, so you won’t feel dead.
Die in Love and stay alive forever.”

― Rumi

Yugen # 27 Ruminations of the year 2020 – Lost and Found

What a year 2020 has been, it will stand the test of time in history as the most challenging year  globally, the year we realized the value of each breath and life.

It was a beautiful beginning with a visit to Dharamshala, a calling to visit the holy place of the Dalai Lama just before the lockdown was announced. The immediate chaos and vulnerability and fear of the unknown led to mixed emotions of anxiety, fear and sorrow so much that I gave up watching the news…it was too distressing. I had to overcome my panic state and decided to channelize it to more creative pursuits.  Gardening, reading books, knitting and embroidery helped a great deal to divert the mind from the day to day worries of procuring groceries and veggies. Now when I look back at all those  creations, my embroideries framed and hanging on my walls, I sense a feeling of achievement. I took the initiative of pushing myself out from the comfort zone and starting attending online yoga classes for fitness and completed  sessions in understanding the teachings of some of the scriptures. This was interspersed with a few regular online teaching and training sessions. Slowly and steadily, I gained confidence and learnt a few things about manoeuvring  in the online medium and started enjoying it. I had all the time to reconnect with my friends and colleagues, conduct online coaching sessions and spend time with my family  in a rather relaxed manner  oblivious of the time machine ticking by. A year; I pushed myself to take the pen and paper exams amidst  the COVID-19 for my third master’s degree, completed the rigors of submitting assignments, internships and project report and online practical exams.

Personally, it has been a great time to look within and   introspect and take the first steps towards self- improvement. I learnt the big difference between needs and wants . I practiced frugality and limited our expenses . I found happiness in very simple and small things that life had to offer, finally finding peace within. Learnt to be comfortable with myself. Practiced disconnecting with toxic people

Yes, this year had been tough for all and tested our endurance and patience. I learnt the value of life; the sense of gratitude  and faith helps us stride through the rough waters… as we live on. As I look behind in some sense it has been a year that I have personally grown manifolds as a person in different wheels  of life .

Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths .             Rumi.

Yugen #26 Discrimination

Its not that we were poor

And we couldn’t afford

It’s the discrimination

That hurts me the most.

While my brother stood and chose

His toy red pushback car

I was told

that I could have my doll no more.

How I walked the footpath crestfallen and sad

Tear eyed ,angry feeling broken and sorry from within,

Walking the lane at chembur station

Looking at the toy kitchenwares

And boxes with dolls within,

Crying on my flight

For being born a girl

Who couldn’t fight

And see any more  light.

Yugen #25 CELEBRATE LIFE

It is a warm sunny afternoon

Here I am sitting in my room

Talking to friends about  the  world we live in

Counting on our blessings each day

Celebrating life as we move along.

The heaviness of the heart still persists

The events of the last few days

Bring tears to my eyes.

A boy known to me and yet unknown in so many ways

A life so young; gone so far ; too soon.

My heart is still crying although the tears have dried up.

What a year 2020 has been !

With so much pain and suffering.

My lips say a silent prayer of gratitude

To the Almighty and the Universe

To keep us safe  and in sound health

Physical, Mental and Emotional;

For these are the times that test the real me.

A silent prayer escapes my lips

Please help me to listen to the words unsaid;

Feel the pain untold;

So that I can reach out and wipe away,

The tears of people

Near and dear.

Life is beautiful

And so are you.

Lets rekindle the faith

Lets come together and celebrate

Yugen #24 Battles in Life

There are battles that I am constantly fighting;

Some internal, many more external.

Since birth fighting to gain attention, acceptance and inclusion,

At school, a race from mediocracy, to prevent fall from grace,

At college to be a preferred student, to gain appreciation,

At work for recognition, growth and citation,

At home to fit into a role as defined by society.

Within Me I ask “Who am I really “

Left behind somewhere in this journey

Submerged my dreams, desires and destiny

For there is a battle that I am constantly Fighting

Mostly internal and many external

To Find

What Defines Me .

Yugen #23 A WHITE HIBISCUS FLOWER

 I HAVE BEEN EXISTING ALL THIS WHILE

ALONG WITH THE WHEEL OF TIME ,

DOING MY DAILY CHORES

AND MUCH MORE.

TILL I ASKED MYSELF ONE DAY

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN TO ME , OH  GOD;

PLEASE HELP AND SHOW ME THE WAY.

I UNDERSTOOD THAT I HAVE TO TAKE A PAUSE

SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY MY DAY, EACH DAY  BECAUSE

ALL THIS TIME  I HAVE BEEN RUNNING FROM MYSELF.

ITS IS TIME  NOW TO SIT AND INTROSPECT

WHAT IS IT THAT I YEARN TO  CONNECT

DEEP DOWN THERE ;  THERE IS A LOT OF PAIN AND SORROW

WHICH IS DICFFICULT TO FORGET.

AND THEN I SEE THIS FRESHLY BLOOMED WHITE HIBISCUS FLOWER

DANCING ALONG WITH THE LOVELY BREEZE THIS SUMMER

SURROUNDED BY ROSES IN RED , ORANGE ,PINK AND YELLOW

IT DID NOT FEEL THE LACK OF LUSTRE OR MELLOW

AND IT LOOKED EXCEPTIONALLY BEAUTIFUL THIS WHITE HIBISCUS OF MINE.

IN THE COMPANY OF COLOUR ,LEAVES AND TWINE.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY , I THOUGHT TO MYSELF , IS IT

THE TOUCH OF WIND BLOWING ON MY FACE

THE SIGHT OF SPARROWS DANCING IN A PUDDLE OF WATER

LIFE GROWING OUT OF A SEED

GOLDFISHES RUSHING TO ME AS I STAND CLOSE TO THEM

I WONDER

AND THEN PEANUT , MY LITTLE BOY , PUTS HIS PAW SOFTLY ON MY HAND

AS IF TO SAY

HEY I AM HERE FOR YOU  ,ITS NOW OR NEVER                               

Yugen #22 What spirituality means to me…

2020 is the year for  survival . Homo Sapiens across the globe have spent most of the year in quarantine ,with social distancing and restricted movements. The emotional burden has been huge and called in for toughness, mental resilience, discipline and loads of self – care and hygiene. Never before have we faced a global pandemic as this year and the survivors will have a lot of tales to recall and regale audience with.  A sudden awareness for yoga, meditation and developing immunity in these troubled times have emerged. Another phenomenon had been the sudden spike in web – based knowledge sharing  events, webinars  to keep one occupied joyfully has been the endeavour of many an enterprising  trainers, speaker and motivators.

Its been once in a lifetime opportunity to spend meaningful time with our family, catch with long lost friendships and rekindle them over long chats on the phone. Many have brought out those books to read which have been on the shelves for want of time. Others have discovered their new found love for cooking ,baking, gardening and other creative arts. Over all its been a great opportunity to spend with oneself and discover the spiritual side of each one of us for mental peace and striking an emotional balance.

In these times I often wondered what does spirituality actually mean to me ?

Spirituality is about that pause that I take while doing something  and discovering that space within me that is greater than me. It is a kind of connection with everything around me, the ability to consciously observe  the power of inter connectivity and still be in a state of stillness and calmness to experience all the miracles in day to day life with awareness of the abundance .

For me spirituality is my conversations with my elder brother whom I fondly call Dadaji, expressing gratitude for my life, lone and existence. It is about the energy and inner pull that I experience and see it manifest in me and others around me. It is about my ability to detach myself and still appreciate the joys and gifts of life.

Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself .              —–   Rumi

Yugen #21 Is it okay to be ashamed of something ?

During these days I have spend a great deal of time with myself ,thinking about my past ,incidents that have brought me happiness, fear, sadness. Things that I don’t want to talk about because  few events have brought in a feeling of experiencing  shame, an emotion not widely recognised and appreciated but best buried beneath deep layers in our mind, sealed  never to come out from our lips . Fear of being told, “ How could you do that ?” or “ You have brought shame of our family.” An invisible but subconsciously aware list of Do’s and Don’ts’s  always precede our actions.

During my school days I was ashamed that we couldn’t afford some luxuries . I had just one dress I remember so clearly, a maroon coloured china silk , knee length dress  with a little white lace  on the neck and shoulders, which I would wear to every birthday party, wedding , social events for three four years. It was a thing of beauty and happiness for me as It made me feel like a princess. On my school farewell party, a classmate remarked…I don’t remember who but what was said, till this date  makes me freeze in shame . “ You don’t have anything else to wear, you wear this same dress everywhere you go .” This took away from me the joy of the party and made me squirm inside . I was so ashamed of myself that I shed a few tears and told my mother that “Are we so poor that I cannot have another dress.”

This wasn’t the first time I felt shame. As a school going kid, staying in a lush green colony ,with friends staying in bigger quarters, I was always aware that I am different , I cannot have everything. Our summer holidays were spends idling away in our friend’s homes. I recollect a friend had a beautiful baby doll, with eyes that shut and opened with a little voice when it was pressed. Her father had picked it from abroad during one of the company sponsored trips. Everyone took turns playing with this infant baby look alike doll.  I came home and asked my mother if I could have one which was met with a refusal . When I protested loudly that I don’t get anything I want whereas  my younger kid brother’s wishes were honoured, I received a tight slap across my cheeks which had the company of my salty tears. I went back to hug my broken babu, a doll with broken hands and legs, explaining to my self ,that perhaps I don’t deserve anything new and nice. 

I grew up with no celebration of birthdays as my birthday fell closer to the end of the month where cash flow in a middle- class family with a single earning member is a challenge. During my first year at junior college I had  this urge to celebrate my birthday with a few close friends . I asked my mother for hundred rupees, a great deal of money in mid – eighties, so that we could share a thumbs up and eat vada pav in the college canteen . Again, no was the answer.

If anyone asks me a metaphor for myself today, I will probably resonate with the lotus. A lotus seed lies rock bottom on the lake ,filled with muddy, dark, mucky water. The sheer resilience allows it to grow its shoots while anchoring itself strongly on the lake bed. The urge to reach the sky and see the sunshine pushes the lotus sapling to grow on its own till it finally reaches the water surface . As time passes it grown a bud and then this bud blooms into a beautiful lotus flower ,fragrant dancing away in the breeze amidst the dark unclear waters. So has been my life ,always denied of small pleasures of life.  Till date I grave for  crayon colours and I find myself entering a bookshop and walking straight to buy my hearts content of colours , paints and sketch pens, fulfilling my childhood desires.

I also acknowledge that whilst I love gifting things to others ,I have a severe problem in receiving . I just cannot ask for things from people ,even close family members. Its as if I have to deny myself  because I am conditioned to not receiving anything from others.

As I write this, I am experiencing shame to disclose such details about my childhood , but I tell myself its okay to be ashamed ,acknowledge it and move on. I have moved on , have you ?

The dark thought, the same ,the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond.                                                           —————-   RUMI

Yugen #20 Getting to the Matter of things That Matter Most

“Do I really matter to others ?”

“Does it matter if I matter to others ?”

This thought just crossed my mind today and I have often thought about it during these days of lockdown and being confined to my house.

What a realisation this has been for me . I keep doing the work at home, work from home and work for everyone at home without perhaps anyone realising the significance of what I am going through to put up with this multitasking energy draining chores if I may call it. I ask myself whether  I cease to matter anymore to anyone. My so-called intimate friends and close family members have not even bothered to keep in touch or ask about my wellbeing.  So why does it really matter that I no longer matter to a few people.

I had a very beautiful experience when my neighbour just called to find out if I was fine as she saw a heap of bills just outside the door. We were travelling and were out of city limits when the lockdown was announced and hence put up in the twin city . I cannot tell you how much love I experienced at that moment. Just the thought that I mattered to her made my day and she took the trouble to call and find out about my whereabouts touched me deeply. Something deep within shifted for me. Post my participation in a discussion of circle with members of different culture, I spend some time to deep dive and some random thoughts emerged for me .

What makes me matter to people ?

What Matters Most?

Is it important to matter to someone ?

Do I matter to myself ?

Do I matter to others the way I matter to myself ?

Why does it matter to me if I don’t matter to somebody ?

What happens to me when I don’t matter to some ?

What can I do to matter to my friends  and family ?

Do I tell people that they matter to me deeply ?

The last one left me pondering for some time and I realised that If someone mattered to me I would take the lead to let them know that I Value them deeply in my life, they matter tremendously and I would urge them to take care to themselves.

I guess answers to the above questions are more about the significance and relevance  of the existence of myself and others . Also, it would be a reflection of Being and Doing.

What would people say that I did that mattered after I pass away ?

I AM YOURS. DON’T GIVE MYSELF BACK TO ME .

IF YOU FIND ME NOT WITHIN YOU,YOU WILL NEVR FIND ME.

FOR I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU, FROM THE BEGINNING OF ME .            – Rumi                                                 

Yugen # 19 Learn

I am writing this article amidst the fear and panic that is present all around us on account of this global pandemic due to Covid 19. The virtue that I want to address is about our learning to deal with our vulnerability and our emotions and feelings and accept and live each day as it emerges with its challenges and gifts. 

I just wonder with complete awe how a small microscopic virus has brought all of us to our knees, the rich and poor alike, the powerful nations and the developing ones irrespective of the nation, language, tribe, value systems etc. In a way Covid 19 had been a global unifier in times of economic depression. Countries are fighting struggling with limited resources and this has probably for the first time in this century given us a time to take a pause. A complete standstill! Its only when we take a pause, stop and reflect is when we get the answers to what is happening within us and around us.

 Today we are learning the meaning of interdependency even more. We have the time to sit in silence and listen to all the music nature has to offer us. For me this has been the time of increased awareness of my existence and quest to find happiness in the various miracles, life has to offer through every day experiences. It is also the time when I have been really kind to myself, doing my chores at my own pace and being mindful of my actions and speech. This is also the time to seek spiritual intervention by reading and practicing consciousness, while watering the garden, listening to the birds chirping, watching the trees and plants and observing everything around me. Never in my life have I experienced such joy in seeing the buds emerge on plants with the hope to see a beautiful flower bloom the next day, the smell of earth while watering the garden and actually filling a pot for water for thirsty birds.

 It’s the time to see so much awareness of humanity and kindness all around. The constant reminder to be grateful to the universe. This has been such a boon to enhance connectedness with family, friends and spend time with conversations and actually indulge in joyful activities. I have come across so many of us who have actually started to value our existence today and live in the here and now with joyous and genuine intention to be kind to others. I am sure many of us have experienced various manifestations of these realisations and learnt to take all this in our stride.

When will you begin that long journey into yourself?

These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.

Keep silent, because the world of silence is a vast fullness.    

                                                                                                       ———Rumi

Yugen # 18 FEED

There is a phrase “Food for thought “. This means something to think about, some kind of mental nourishment or food for the mind. Anything that gives you a reason to stop and ponder is food for thought. It’s an expression that’s been around in its current form since the nineteenth century, apparently taking the idea of digestion and transferring it from the stomach to the brain.

We live most of our lives inside our head, so its important to ensure that we take care to see that it is a nice place to be in.

As Rumi said,

You are your thought, brother, the rest of you is bones and fibre.

If you think of roses, you are a rose garden.

If you think of thorns, you are fuel for the furnace.

We are what we feed ourselves and feed is not just restricted to the food we intake but also the thoughts that we live with in our minds and the kind of people we associate with and the environment we surround ourselves in. In an everchanging and emerging world today dominated by digital and technological interventions in all aspects of our life, it has become increasingly important to be careful about what we read, discuss and debate about, what thoughts we allow to   dominate our mind.

  Do we ever introspect about what we think?

We must be able to channelize all our negative thoughts to acceptance and become conscious of positive possibilities. We often tend to limit our potential more in our mind even before making any  efforts to challenge them.

Begin by firstly stopping the innate desire to please everybody around you, one cannot be loved and liked by all, so don’t be too hard on yourself and try to seek a logical reason.

 Throw away the negative thoughts, stay away from toxic people and relationships. Don’t let negative thoughts overpower your self – perception which might in turn impact your attempt to gain excellence. Thoughts have a strong link to our feelings and behaviours. Most of us suffer from the syndrome “I am not good enough”. These thoughts lead to beliefs that keep us from performing at our peak. Creating a more positive outlook can lead to better outcomes. Positive thoughts have magical powers. Optimistic thoughts lead to positive and productive behaviours which increases our chance at success.

Today when I hear this melodious song from the film GUDDI, I can relate to the meaningful lyrics of the song which we sang as a prayer in school;

Humme mann ki shakti dena, mann vijay kare;

Dusro ki jay se pehle, khud ko jay kare.

“Every person’s value is in the thought they hold.”

Yugen # 17 Help

Today is a bright relatively warm and sunny day in Mumbai after a rare spell of cooler winter breeze. My usual morning routine starts with offering a small prayer of gratitude to God and wishing for a great and peaceful day ahead. Sitting down to have a cup of day, on this Monday, I read this first message on face book.

Behind every strong, independent woman lies a broken little girl who had to learn how to get back up and to never depend on anyone.

Somewhere deep inside me this touched a chord and I resonated with this sentence so much, that it took me back to all my days of struggle, not with the world but with myself. A struggle within me that made me chaotic and unable to deal with the pressures of the external world. This resulted in a lot of abrupt reactions, anger, frustration and depression due to my inability to cope and deal with the expectations of others, while playing my various roles.

What about me and my expectations from others? Did anyone try to understand that?

My memories took me back to all those random acts of kindness from unknown people ,who offered me their time and listened to my tales of pain, a friend who offered to take care of my son for a few hours so that I could rush back to work the day my maid didn’t turn up, a colleague who proactively packed a tasty meal for me, a travel friend who offered me advise and told me that I should study further if my heart so desired, a seemingly mature son who understood that I wouldn’t be able to make awesome school projects and offered help in completing the same, a spouse who understood that I was tired after long hours at work and travel and offered to cook up dinner and my mother in law who willingly took it up on herself to supervise the maids taking care of my son while he was a kid …  help from all fronts.

Its only when one is open to receiving that can one enjoy and appreciate the kindness. Helping is not so much of giving, as it is also about receiving. We women suffer from this, we shy from reaching out and seeking help. We assume that asking for help is a sign of our weakness. As I am maturing, I find myself being able to easily articulate and seek help for even smaller things. I guess this is a way to build emotional connections with people. Helping is beneficial both to the giver and receiver. One must be able to help, when help is asked for or needed, with an open mind, open heart and open will and should also be able to receive help when needed and offered. Both situations require sensitivity, great understanding, empathy and above all humility. Mutual trust, genuine interest, active listening, acknowledgement of interdependence and acceptance of vulnerability are key factors that make helping such a beautiful and rewarding social experience.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find

All the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.   ——   Rumi

Yugen #16 Having a fun filled life!

Just a few months back I entered my feisty fifties. Looking back I often wonder how the years have just flown by, I seldom recollect my thirties perhaps because I was consumed and engulfed in all my worldly responsibilities, balancing a home and career, a growing child, illnesses of elders, drained of energy, literally living by the week, don’t just know how I have grown and matured with years of struggle to balance all my roles, hardly having any time for myself, let alone any introspection.

I have made a resolution for myself, do what I like doing and enjoy doing what I love doing, in short have fun doing each chore. Having fun is all about drawing a light-hearted pleasure each day of your life. Living in a metro city, running around the hands of the clock, one is reduced to grains of the sand, so much is sapped out of our daily lives in providing for others in this rat race, draining us of energy, vitality, wellness and happiness. A little bit of fun in our daily lives works like the elixir, providing us with renewed enthusiasm to face the next day.

Fun is a virtue of life. Research provides enough evidence that people who engage in fun and doing enjoyable activities have a more balanced physical and psychological well-being and are better equipped to manage stress. Fun acts as a buffer to manage disruptions of our life.

So, listen to your favourite music…

Wear that outfit you saved for a special occasion…

Hum the tune on the way to work…

Use your favourite perfume…

Create something with your own hands…

Go on that road trip you’ve been longing to go to…

Have a good laugh…

Do retail therapy…

Meet your childhood friends and catch up on old naughty and carefree times…

Travel to those placed that have been sitting in your bucket list for years…

Follow your passion…

Have a hobby…

Learn a new language…

Experiment with cooking a different cuisine…

Play with your pet…

Surround yourself with children and young adults…

Fall in love, with yourself, all over again.   Its magical.

HAVE FUN! HAVE A LIFE!

Yesterday I was clever, So I wanted to change the world;

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.                        ——— RUMI

Yugen # 15 Practising Patience as a Virtue

Let’s understand first what virtue means. Virtue means a behaviour or an outward expression of a feeling that relates to good habits. In short virtue is a demonstration of moral greatness. People high in ethics, who have a balance of the feeling of righteousness and moral standards practice virtue in daily life. This leads to achievement of individual and collective greatness.

Patience means the ability of an individual to wait for something, object, event or achievement to occur without any feeling of anger, frustration and restlessness.

So how does patience become a virtue?

 The idea behind this expression goes as far back as the fifth century, to the epic poem Psychomachia. This poem serves to highlight Christian ideals and describes vices and virtues as people fighting one another. In the poem, Patience is one of the virtues, which is fighting Anger. The first time the expression appeared in English was in a poem called Piers Ploughman, written by William Langland, around the year 1360.

Having understood this, how does one develop patience? What must one do to practice this on a regular basis, so that we adopt and adapt the same in our daily lives?

Look around you, we are living in an era of quick fixes. Time being the most important asset today, we are   constantly under pressure to perform and deliver results quickly.  Our daily life revolves around instant noodles and instant food products, instant tea/coffee mixes, instant masalas, instant connects, instant responses to social media posts, instant reviews, instant shopping and the list can be so long thanks to technology and artificial intelligence taking over.

So how does one manage this tricky dilemma and maintain calmness of the mind, when everything around you is chaotic, rushed and feels like a whirlpool!

Here are four ways to be the patient person you never thought you could be.

1. Learn to make yourself wait. 
2. Stop doing things that aren’t urgent and Important.
3. Be mindful of the things making you impatient.
4. Relax and take deep breaths.

It’s all in the magic of practising the 4R’s in our daily routine.

• Reflect and introspect what is causing this impatience:

Take time to introspect and understand what is causing the feeling of restlessness and impatience. What is it that annoys you the most and how have you been reacting to this feeling all this while. What does this do to you, identify the symptoms and signals in the way your body is reacting to the uneasiness.

• Recognise the need to make a conscious effort:

Acknowledge that if you continue to choose to react in the same manner, things will never improve. Accept that you feel the need to try hard and are willing to make a conscious effort to not display your frustration and you are willing to recognise the need to make an effort to wait and be patient and have the intention to watch and lets things happen at their own pace.

• Respond Differently:   

 Having recognised accepted that you intend to take up the challenge to make a conscious effort, one now needs to replace the usual reaction with a different response. Decide how you choose to respond to future occurrences of such triggers.

• Practice to reinforce:

 Awareness of the need to repeat this on an ongoing basis leads to making patience a habit. Very soon you will realise that over time you have controlled your impatience and ad-hoc reactions, and actually display and face situation of a lot more calmness.  

Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing.

It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day.

Patience turns mulberry leaves into silk through the silkworm.

Patience turns water into wine through the grape wine.

Patience turns a man into a beloved teacher through stillness.       

                                                                                                            ———RUMI       

Yugen # 14 – A New Year Begins…

Photo by Tobias Bjørkli on Pexels.com

A New year begins…

In mid-December 2019, while travelling back from a client’s place after a great week of learning with a bunch of new recruits, my co-trainer and I had a rather unfortunate head-on collision with another car. This was on the highway and both cars were racing over 100 kms per hour. The impact of the collision was so bad that the other vehicle did a 360 degrees skid on the highway, not to mention that both cars were badly damaged. Both of us were in a state of shock but we had to quickly recover to save our driver from being beaten up by the mob.

My friend, myself and the driver did not have a single scar on us. Such is the power of prayers and miracles of the universe.  Hugely shaken by the impact, I couldn’t believe we were still alive. Once flaming tempers lowered and the mob settled down to have a conversation rather than the initial fistful display of masculine adrenaline rush, our next task was to immediately flag down a passing vehicle, on the highway to hitch a ride to the airport to catch our flight.  I did not dare to inform my immediate family for fear of causing anxiety and waited till I reached home.

Two traumatised women, one physically battered driver, an out of shape vehicle on the highway in mid-afternoon surrounded by a mob …. can be quite a scene. A lot of gratitude to the universe for keeping us alive and kicking and lots of prayers for all the help from the almighty.

A couple driving an SUV stopped and offered us help and drop to the airport. Such was the warmth, care and genuine concern displayed that it helped us come to our senses and calmed down our rattled nerves. We then started talking in the car to help ease out any remains of nervous energy.

Kavita Sharma and Mr Sharma, I dedicate this article to you for your random act of kindness which was so spontaneous and authentic.

The universe is sending me a message that all is not done yet and I have a lot to do in life. Work, family, travel, friends and society at large …lots to be done.

As 2020 unfolds I’ve resolved to write an article on the various words that define virtue that guides us to lead a life of high moral standards, inspired by my favourite poet. I seek to

BE A LAMP,

A LIFEBOAT,

A LADDER.

HELP SOMEONE’S SOUL HEAL.

WALKOUT OF YOUR HOUSE LIKE A SHEPHERD.                   ——- RUMI

Yugen # 13 Absences and Presences In life

Very often I wonder when do we learn to appreciate and value our gifts …. Only when we have lost them or are on the verge of letting it go. Happiness is those small moments that we need to learn to treasure. What seems normal and ordinary today, in their presences in our life; becomes the most sought after by their absences.

Never ignore anyone who really cares for you, otherwise one day you will realise that you have lost a DIAMOND while you were busy collecting stones                                                                                                                             —-Rumi

As I look around me I see the millennials otherwise very smart and savvy in this digital world, totally confused when it comes to managing relationships. There is a need to deal with patience and love, today, in all associations whether personal or at work spaces or with friends. The hunger for instantaneous validations takes a toll. I have known so many of my young friends grappling with the dilemma of dealing with uncertainty in their current relationships, and not being able to understand the importance of a person in their life. They prefer to call off their association in spite of being together for eight to ten years.  I often ask them,” What is it that you are seeking?” No definite answer to that!

This is true even in our desire to own some materialistic possessions, a car, house, gadgets …how often do we whine and pine to get them and the moment the barrier is overcome and we own it, it only gives us momentary pleasure and happiness till we move on to our next need. Hierarchy of needs indeed; but it doesn’t mean that we disregard what we have already acquired and demean its existence in our lives, possessions both animate and inanimate.

When we are young, the strength of our willpower overrides everything else and the most ignored area is our health. As you move into the late forties, you realise that you have ignored and abused your body so much that it is difficult for any materialistic presences in your life to make up for the absence of sound health and mental peace.

May you learn to appreciate the hidden blessings in your pains and the gift every suffering brings along.

Life is a balance between holding on and letting go.        Rumi

Are symbiotic relationships healthy

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Discounting and Grandiosity in TA

Discounting is defined as unwarily ignoring information relevant to the solution of the problem.

A discount is a crossed transaction in which the discountee emits a stimulus from his adult ego state to another person’s adult and that person responds from his parent or child.

Whenever a person is attempting to establish or maintain a symbiosis, she is ignoring or distorting some aspects of her internal or external experience. This is called discounting.

Example 1 : I am waiting  at a bus stop to catch a bus to take me for an urgent client meeting. I am aware that reaching on time is important but I continue to stand and wait for a bus ,and not take the decision to take a cab. I am discounting my ability to think of a different option to reach my destination.

Example 2:I have a headache for two days and keep ignoring the existence of the headache and how it is impacting my wellbeing. Here I am discounting the existence of the headache and not doing anything to relieve me of the discomfort.

(A)Discounting :When our perception of reality matches the popular view, then what we perceive is a consensual reality. If it does not, then our perception is different form the consensual reality. This error in perception occurs because of discounting. In discounting, some aspects of the reality have been ignored, overlooked, perceived larger / stronger / more powerful / more difficult than actual or perceived to be smaller / weaker / less powerful / easier than actual. In either case a distortion has occurred.

Areas of Discounting :People can discount self ,others and the situation.

Three types of discounting take place and each type has four levels. The levels are also called modes or ways. When these are combined a matrix is generated. It is called the Discount Matrix or the Discounting Matrix. When we wish or desire to implement change, we can do something about it once we are able to identify the point of our stuckness as also how to proceed in the matter. The discount matrix helps us to identify our stuck point and also provides the means to resolve it.

The three types of discounting are when a person discounts the stimuli, the problem or the options in example 2 above I was discounting the stimuli, headache and how it was affecting me. I may also choose to ignore the problem that I might face due to a headache e.g. I am not able to complete my task within stipulated time. Here I am discounting the problem. I might have the option or choice of delegating the work to somebody and ensure the task is completed on time, but I don’t do that. Then I am discounting the option and remain stuck with my problem.

The levels of discounting are also called modes. The four levels are existence, significance, change possibilities and personal abilities. When I refuse to acknowledge the presence of headache ,I am discounting its existence. When I do not understand how the problem could impact me adversely ,I am discounting the significance of the problem. When I do not keep an open mind and think of possibilities to counter the issue, I am discounting the change possibilities. When I do not think about what must I do to go  and solve the headache, I am discounting my personal ability to solve the problem.

In order to discount in any of these ways the parents must be operating(1),From a misinformed or uninformed adult, 2)From a contaminated adult or 3) by excluding the adult and cathecting an unhelpful Parent or child .

(B)The negative advantages of discounting :One needs to understand that by denying power to one entity (person or situation), it is invested in, or is granted to or assigned to or in another, this aspect is called grandiosity. Discounting is accompanied by grandiosity. Grandiosity provides justification.

Thinking Disorders: Over-detailing and generalization are two types of thinking disorders.

Over-detailing: In over-detailing the person uses unnecessary details to convey information. In grammar it is called using redundant. An example: “Actually what I want to tell you, and I should have told this to you yesterday, is that I am not coming tomorrow.” Instead of “Sir, I am not coming tomorrow”.

Generalization: Generalization is displayed when something related to one is viewed or conveyed to be of many. For example: If one person or a few persons do not follow traffic rules I say: “the traffic is chaotic because people do not follow traffic rules.”

(C )Grandiosity :Every  discount is accompanied by Grandiosity. This is an exaggeration of some features of reality. It about “making a mountain out of a mole hole.)One feature of the situation is blotted out or diminished through discounting , so another feature is blown up out of proportion by grandiosity. Grandiosity is the act of purposefully exaggerating about self or others or the environment in order to maintain the passivity. This can give us at least two information. The first one being that people might miss and ignore information. The second one is that it helps us see when these people might not be taken seriously. Words indicating grandiosity can be never, always, naturally, absolutely, all or evident. Take for example a sentence “my clients never complain”, “Our clients’ interests always come first” or “We stress teamwork in everything we do”.

Example of Grandiosity : I am sitting in a restaurant feeling hopeless because the waiter wasn’t serving me my dinner that I had ordered. Here I am discounting my own options as well as giving more power to the waiter,which he in real life didn’t have,the power to decide whether I should get my dinner on time or not. My friend was sitting besides me in the restaurant. Seeing the waiters lack to response to my gestures, she also gets very angry. She tells me, “ That waiter is incompetent I were his manager ,he would be sacked for such delayed service.”.Here my friend was discounting the waiters competence and was being very grandiose about herself. She was taking on herself the role of judge and jury although she had neither adequate evidence nor responsibility to do so.

Discounting relation with TA concepts:

Discounting and strokes :It is important to distinguish between a straight negative stroke and a discount. A discount always entails some distortion of reality, e.g. “You’re hateful” – Discount “I hate you” – Negative stroke “I can see you can’t spell” – Discount “You’ve spelled that word wrongly” – Negative stroke A discount gives no signal on which to base constructive action.

Discounting and behaviours: A discount itself are not observable. But there are four types of behaviour which always indicates that the person is discounting. These are called Passive Behaviours: • Doing nothing • Over adaptation • Agitation • Incapacitation and/or violence

Discounting and contamination and exclusion When a person shuts down one or more ego-states this called exclusion.  There are three possibilities:

1. Excluded Parent means that the person will not have any ready-made rules about the world.  They make their own rules in every situation. 
2. Excluded Adult means that the person does not reality test.  There is a constant internal struggle and behaviours may seem bizarre.
3. Excluded Child means that the person will shut out the stored memories of their own childhood.  Feelings are often expressed from our Child ego-state.  Therefore, those who exclude the Child may appear cold and distant.

Discounting and Symbiosis :In unhealthy symbiosis ego states are discounted in two ways. In one way by not using those that are available for use and in another way by using those of another. There is sharing. Though dysfunctional, this sharing provides a sense of comfort to both parties. The unused ego states are excluded contextually, meaning in the moment and for the topic prevailing and purpose. Both parties experience psychological gain in the process. 

Everything depends on the Frame of Reference in script theory

Berne defines life  script as “an unconscious life plan”.

The frame of reference is defined by  Schiff’s as the structure of associated responses which integrates the various ego-states in response to specific stimuli. Frame of reference can be thought of as a ‘filter on reality’. FOR provides the individual with an overall perceptual, conceptual, affective and action set, which is used to define the self, other people and the world. FOR can be thought of as skin that surrounds the ego states, binding them together. Frame of reference related to TA  concepts :

FOR and scripts : Script forms part of the frame of reference.  The script  consists of all the definitions in the frame of reference which entail discounts. When I am in  script , I am ignoring the here and now reality relevant in the situation to solve the issue. I am discounting myself and my ability and replaying outdated definitions of myself, others and the world.

E.g. : As a child Tom has received messages from his parents that he was worthless and useless. As a grownup ,when Tom has to take decisions at work ,the same message is replayed in his mind ,whereby he is discounting himself of his ability to solve the problem because in his head he still recalls being told that he was useless and worthless. So,  although Tom is an adult now,his child ego state discounts his own thinking ability making him feel inadequate and weak.

FOR and redefining : In redefining I have distorted my perception of reality so that it fits my scrip. As a child ,we make script decisions as a way to survive and get by in a hostile world. So, when we grow up ,if we continue to believe that we need to cling on to those early decisions and beliefs in order to survive , I have redefined my FOR  in order to fit the current reality in my scripty decisions. So, when my scripty frame of reference is threatened, I defend against the threat  by redefining.

E.g. : As a child Tom has constantly been hearing that he was useless. So, although he is a grown up man now, he gets into a script ,reruns this old survival strategy and he redefines reality by discounting his ability to be able to be useful and solve problems on his own.

FOR and redefining transactions: Redefining transactions is when a person is displaying behaviours as an external manifestation of discounting that is happening internally. Every discount represents a distortion of reality. The signs of discounting could be visible when a person shows grandiosity or a thinking disorder. Two distinctive transactions give clear verbal evidence of redefining ,tangential transaction and blocking transaction.

Tangential transactions: A tangential transaction is one in which the stimulus and response address different issues or address the same issue from different perspectives. In a very stressful situation ,people tend to redefine it by way of tangential transaction. The purpose is to divert the other person away from the issue which constitutes  the threat and this is outside of the person’s conscious awareness.

E.g. : My son to me ,” This is a good laptop, I think you should buy it. What do you say ?”

My reply ,”Youngsters like you are so tech savvy and find manoeuvring around the different apps so easily .”

Here I am unable to take a decision ,maybe looking at the high cost. Instead of saying no, I beat around the busy and give a very tangential reply ,that does not give him an answer to his question. Here I am discounting my ability to decide.

Blocking transaction :  In this the purpose of raising an issue is avoided by disagreeing about the definition of the issue. At a psychological level. the reason for blocking is to avoid addressing  issues that would threaten the frame of reference of either or both participants. The conversation may come to a halt in a dumbfounded silence.

E.g. : “ How did you find the food ? ,I asked my husband .

“You mean, whether it was tasty or whether it was value for money ?” replied my husband.I felt stumped at the answer. Here my question was not only avoided by conveniently bypassed.

FOR and stroke filter and stroke economy :People filter the strokes which they want to suit their frame of reference and accept strokes that help them maintain their frame of reference. Similarly stroke economy strengthens their understanding of them FOR and helps to maintain it.

FOR and games and racketeering : Every game and racket involves an attempt to establish a symbiotic relationship and begins with a discount. This is indicative of the ego state and  frame of reference sought by each game player. Every individual is responding to a situation by ignoring the reality of what is happening and how each player feels and by dealing exclusively from an internal frame of reference.

E.g. :When I tell my family ” if you want to eat chicken biryani, I will make it for you now.” Although I am saying this verbally, I am suppressing my feeling of tiredness and need to sleep.

Script forms part of frame of reference. FOR in total is made up of a large number of  definitions, some which entail discounts, others do not. The script consists of all the definitions in the frame of reference which entail discounts. People use redefining transactions to maintain an established view of themselves, other people and the world i.e., Frame of reference, in order to advance their scripts.

Yugen # 47 Dealing with Passivity

Passivity means inaction. Passivity is displayed when one does nothing or does something inappropriately, or ineffectively. Jacqui and Aaron Schiff concluded that passivity results from unresolved dependency (symbiosis). Discounting is the mechanism and grandiosity (distortion of reality) provides the justification. Passivity in feeling, thinking, or doing disrupts the balance of social functioning and results in internal distress or behaviour disorders. It signifies those behaviours that children (and adults) use to discharge emotional tension or distress when they find themselves in a situation that they cannot tolerate or facing a problem they cannot solve. Passivity is defined by Schiff’s as “how people don’t do things or don’t do them effectively.”

Four Passive behaviours :

Three survival systems respond to threat: (i) Fear (ii) Anger/Rage (iii) Separation / Loss. The child needs an adult to help them to soothe and regulate these painful emotional states. At best, this happens in early infancy. It does depend on the parent or significant carer being available and able to soothe and calm the baby’s distress. When this happens in a routine way, the baby / infant learns how to soothe themselves. As we grow up  stress management systems develop in the brain to help the person to manage strong emotional states for themselves. However, when the person behaves in ways that show us clearly that she or he cannot YET soothe and regulate their own emotional state, we, as the responsible adults, need to respond to their distress in ways that will help them to do the emotional learning (and brain development) that is necessary. Depending on the person’s temperament, genetic make-up and the emotional role-modelling of their routine careers, the person will discharge their emotional tension in one of these ways:

There are four styles of passive behaviour which always indicate that the person concerned is discounting . These behaviours are used by the person to establish a symbiotic relationship. All of them involve not thinking through a problem to a solution while taking into account all of the ego states.

 (a) Doing Nothing: The  person feels unable to deal with the situation at hand. He reacts to the emotional tension generated in the body by stopping himself from acting. He does not believe that he can do anything to change things. The energy in him is expressed in behaviours that either look like stubborn obstinacy, an immoveable stance or ignoring requests or look like an affable ignoring or wandering. A person exhibiting this passive behaviour feels uncomfortable and experiences himself as not thinking and is discounting his own ability to do anything about the situation. Here the psychic energy is used to inhibit responses and thinking. A person may  exhibit behaviours like being very still, not speaking up or being blank.

Example : Sometimes when a person screams at sheela or talks in a very offending manner or loud voice, she tends to freeze and is unable to respond or react. Often she appears as dumb and ineffective due to this behaviour. Sheela does feel offended but is so over whelmed with emotions that she fails to express her feelings and appear as doing nothing because she tends to not display any feelings at that point of time.

(b) Over-Adaptation :The person  is psyching out what she thinks others want of her and adapting to this fantasy. She is anxious to please and identify others as parent figures who are more important than her, and  whose needs and wants are her responsibilities to figure out and resolve. When someone overadapts  she is complying with what she believes in Child are the wishes of others. She does so without checking with them what their wishes are in reality and without any reference to what her own wishes are. The person experiences  herself as thinking during this passive behaviour, which actually proceeds from contamination. A person who overadapts often comes across  as a very helpful ,adaptable and accommodating person. They try to get care, attention and the soothing and recognition they need by being pleasing and / or doing what they think the adult wants or needs. This person has lost touch with his or her emotional and physical needs as their emotional survival has seemed (to him) to depend upon appearing to be OK and doing all they can to make sure the adult with them is OK. A person in overadaptation is discounting his or her own ability to act on her own options.Instead she follows options she believes others want.

Personal example : When I come back from an outstation trip ,I tend to just ignore my tiredness and go straight into a cleaning spree of the house, cooking meals and taking care of household tasks. Nor does my husband actually expect me to do it nor has he even mentioned it one. It is just a way to ignore my physical and emotional needs and do things to please others(I think I will please my husband by doing this.)

(c) Agitation :In order to release the pent-up emotional energy that feels trapped inside, the person engages in repetitive, purposeless, fidgety physical behaviours or feverish repetitive mental ‘going over’ situations without being able to clearly act to solve them. This might include tapping feet, drumming fingers on surfaces, jiggling body parts, wriggling, repetitive gestures or sounds ,nail biting, smoking, hair twiddling are examples of compulsive behaviour. At best all these behaviours do is release some of the internal tension the person is experiencing. In this passive behaviour the person is discounting his ability to act to solve a problem and does not experience himself as thinking.

Personal example:When I was young, I had this habit of biting my nails under stress of exams and would overthink and repeat the thought again and again in my head. This did nothing to help me study faster or better. It was a compulsive behaviour more directed towards  releasing my emotional and mental stress.

 (d) Incapacitation and /or violence: The person becomes overwhelmed by the emotional tension triggered by the situation and begins to feel ill (e.g., tummy upsets, headaches) or has accidents, is clumsy and / or comes frequently with minor ailments. This way of expressing the difficulty unconsciously through the body is sometimes called somatising. By becoming ill or hurt, the  person is distracted from or avoids the frightening or overwhelming situation. It is also a way they might have learned to get care and attention. This passive behaviour involves an adamant refusal to think and solve problems and are immediate demands to the environment to take over all responsibility. The persons underlying experience is one of terror and these behaviours are last ditch efforts to protect the person from her fantasized catastrophic expectations. Behaviours may include getting sick, going crazy ,attacking someone etc. Here the person is discounting his ability to solve a problem. He releases a burst of energy , directed against self or others,in a desperate attempt to force the environment to solve the problems for him.

Example for incapacitation: Whenever my friend and her husband made plans to travel outstation on a weekend holiday, her mother-in-law would fall sick and make their plans go in vain . She would incapacitate herself and discount her ability to take care of herself. Thus, she would believe, in her head ,that she is sick and unable to take care of herself.

yugen #46 Racket systems in relation to Script Theory in Transactional analysis

The Racket System is a model for identifying and dealing with racket-related phenomena. The Racket System is self-reinforcing and distorted, based on script, and consists of Script Beliefs and Feelings, Rackety Displays, and Reinforcing Memories. It is a process in which someone sets up to feel a racket feeling . Racket feelings is always a substitute for other feelings which was prohibited in our childhood. So, they are a cover for our authentic feelings. These are learned childhood pattern or conditional reflex.

 For E.g. : Covering fear with anger : Boss is scared of month end targets not achieved and makes his fear as anger towards his secretary ,who has walked in to get his signature.

Covering anger with sadness : I am angry for not doing my presentation well before the board of directors , and I feel sad and unsure of myself on my growth in the organisation going forward. Authentic or uncensored feelings :Mad – angry    Sad –unhappy   Glad – happy    Scared – Fear.

Definitions: The Racket system is defined as a self reinforcing,,distorted system of feelings ,thoughts and actions maintained by script bound individuals.

Racket feeling is a familiar emotion, learned and encouraged in childhood, experienced in  many different  stress situations and maladaptive as an adult means of problem solving.Racket is a set of scripty behaviours, employed outside awareness as a means of manipulating the environment and entailing the persons experiencing a racket feeling.Anytime you experience racket feeling you are in script.

(1) Individuals frequently use a variety of feelings to engage in rackety manipulation rather than a single “favourite feeling.”

(2) For some individuals there appears to be a hierarchy of substitute feelings rather than a direct substitution of one feeling for another. For example, in the process of dealing with scared feelings a client may switch to angry feelings, only to discover that it was sad feelings which were most strongly suppressed in childhood.

 (3) Whereas rackets have been primarily limited to feelings, “thinking rackets” are sometimes observed. For example, guilt, inadequacy and confusion rackets would be more accurately described as “thinking rackets” accompanied by feelings and physical responses.

(4) Equating rackets and trading stamps as the same “favourite feeling” does not always apply.

The use of the Racket System is great as  a model for identifying, explaining, and dealing with the phenomena related to rackets and trading stamps. Racket Analysis would include phenomena which:

 (a) may be explained in terms of ego states;

 (b) may occur in the absence of social transactions (and, therefore, not a method of structuring time);

 (c) are not transactions, games or scripts but may influence or be operating as a part of these phenomena; and

 (d) can be related to structural analysis, transactional analysis proper, game analysis and script analysis.

(1)The racket system :The Racket System is defined as a self -reinforcing, distorted system of feelings, thoughts and actions maintained by script bound individuals. The Racket System has three interrelated and interdependent components: the Script Beliefs and Feelings, the Rackety Displays and the Reinforcing Memories.             

1)Script belief : a) core belief       b) supporting belief

The Script Beliefs and Feelings are all the Parent and Child contaminations of the Adult based upon and supporting script decisions

(a)Core beliefs :The child’s suppression of feelings and failure to satisfy needs produce an incomplete  emotional experience ,which the  child attempts to make sense of the experiences and produces fixed Gestalten-survival conclusions or script decisions, which remain as the Core Script Beliefs or the basic decisions about self, others, and the quality of life personal destiny

(b)Supporting beliefs :The child then begins to add Supporting Script Beliefs which reaffirm and elaborate upon the Core Script Beliefs.

A Case study of script beliefs and feelings :

Beliefs about self :  Core : I am not lovable .  I should not exist. 

                                Supporting: I have to fend for myself.

Belief about others : Core : Other’s people are more lovable.

                                Supportive : No one wants me. No one loves me. I am not needed .

Belief about quality of life :Core: Life is tough .Life is competitive. Life is unfair. Life is lonely.

Supportive :I have to survive by myself. I have to be strong. I have to fend       for myself. No one will help me.

Repressed feelings : resentment, anger, hurt, sadness, guilt.

(2)Racket Displays : Years later when the person experiences feelings similar to those felt at the time of script decision, the Script Beliefs may be stimulated. If the script decision is  included the belief, “I’m unlovable,” and the feeling present at the time was sadness, there will be a continual recycling of the Script Belief (“I’m unlovable”) and Feeling (sadness) on the intrapsychic level, which reinforces and maintains the script. And, when this intrapsychic process occurs, the person is likely to engage in Rackety Displays.

(a)Overt Behaviour: The Rackety Displays consist of all the overt and internal behaviours which are manifestations of the Script Beliefs/Feelings. Included are the observable behaviours such as words, sentence patterns, tones of voice, displays of emotion, gestures and body movements a person makes which are a direct result of the intrapsychic process. These behaviours may be labelled Rackety Displays since they are repetitive and stylized and are a manifestation of the Script Beliefs/Feelings. In adolescence and in adulthood individuals may continue to use the Rackety Displays learned in early childhood.

(b) Internal experiences : An individual may have a body reaction to the intrapsychic process in addition to or in place of the overt behaviours. These reported internal experiences are the behaviours which are not readily observable but on which the person can give a self -report, such as fluttering in the stomach, changes in perceived body temperature, increased muscular tension, headaches, colitis and all the somatic responses to the Script Beliefs/Feelings. These internal behaviours are a manifestation of the Script Beliefs/Feelings and also maintain the script.

(c)Fantasies : The individual imagines behaviour, both his/her own or someone else’s, which lend support to the Script Beliefs. These fantasied behaviours function as effectively in reinforcing Script Beliefs/ Feelings and, in some instances, even more effectively than the overt behaviours.

Racket displays : 1) observable behaviour : sad, depressed ,not confident, cannot ask for things for myself(new school bag, crayons),scared to say no, accepts everything that is given(torn second hand textbooks, broken dolls),always speaks softly, meek, shy, scared, speaks with head bowed down.

2) Reported Internal experiences: tension on neck and face muscles, stomach upsets, cold and cough, headaches.

3)Fantasies: being loved and appreciated by my friends’ parents, being made to feel important by my teachers, waiting for my prince charming to rescue me after marriage, being able to escape from this prison into a beautiful world.

(3)Reinforcing memories : Reinforcing Memories are the recall of selected events during the person’s lifetime. They are a collection of emotional memories of transactions, either real or imagined; recall of internal bodily experiences; or the retained remnants of fantasy, dreams or hallucinations. Each memory has an emotional or feeling component associated with the experience. In some instances, people may forget the factual aspects of an event but will retain the emotional components of the memory. Reinforcing Memories serve as feedback to the Script Beliefs. Each Reinforcing Memory has the capacity either to reinforce or to negate the Script Beliefs. Since Script Beliefs function as a contamination of the Adult only those memories which support the Script Belief are readily accepted and are used as reinforcement of the beliefs.

(4) Recycling of scripty behaviours and feelings : Each time  a reinforcing memory  is recalled the person replays the script belief which itself is strengthened  by the reinforcing memory. The underlying suppressed is stimulated and the process of of intrapsychic recycling is set in motion once more. The person does rackety displays which enables him to collect more reinforcing memories with their accompanying emotional stamps.

Yugen # 45 Process script and Role of drivers

Yesterday I was Clever,

So I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise,

so I am changing myself. ——— Rumi

Process Script is the process of living or life style, which are consistent with overall life plan. Process Script refers to the patterned behaviours and responses which a person uses on a day to day or second by second basis. Berne points out that a person‘s life plan is mostly influenced by her injunctions, while life style is mostly influenced by her drivers. There are 6 script process pattern or scripty life style .

1)Until Process script :People with Until style  set  certain targets to be completed before enjoying their life. “I can’t have fun until I have finished my work.” “After I retire, I will be able to go for picnic.” “Once the children are grown up, my problems will be over and then I can enjoy“.

       Eg : I will submit the presentation and then take have dinner.

       Eg: I will work till 60 years of age and then only travel for pleasure.

     2) After Process script :People belonging to After style believe that if they enjoy today, they may have to      weep tomorrow. They are always anxious about the future, ever expecting some calamity to follow. When they start their vehicle their first thought is about the probability of an accident. When children are late from school or the spouse is late from office, their mind is burdened with the possibility of calamity.

      Eg:  Don’t laugh too much today or else you will have to cry tomorrow.

      Eg:Don’t be too happy with your papers today or else tomorrow’s exam may be tough.

      Eg:Don’t celebrate your success today ,you don’t know how long it will last ?

    3) Never process script : People with the ‘Never’ script are always running after something they do not have. They  moan ” I don’t get whatever I want most” .They cannot enjoy life though they have adequate facilities at their disposal. They never reach their goal. They never finish their tasks. Since they are not satisfied with the present life, they never to experience intimacy or enjoy sex, and never to succeed professionally.

     Eg:  Life is  tough for me, I’m constantly struggling ,as always.

     Eg:  Nothing is easily available to me, I’ve to struggle for everything.

   4)Always Process script : People who belong to the Always script bemoan” My fate is to suffer always.Why do I always get such a negative deal?” “Why does this always happen to me?”. They think living is always working and suffering. They will go from one unsatisfactory relationship, job or locality to another. They follow the  pattern, why does this always follow to me ?

   Eg: Why do I always get such horrible bosses to report to ?

   Eg: Nothing comes to me easily, I’ve to always struggle to achieve anything .

   5) Almost Type 1 process script : Such people make “all” efforts to become successful but in the end, something happens and they lose their due share Almost : Almost script says, I almost made it this time. Berne called this pattern “over and over “ as in almost1. Eg. Questions for the exams were very easy, but I could not finish satisfactorily . My job interview with that company was comfortable, but I could not conclude it well. This time I almost reached the top of the promotion list, but. “. “My son had prepared very well for exams, but he fell sick. He listens to all the lectures attentively but does not understand.

   Eg:  I prepared well for the interview but did not get the job.

   Eg:  I always plan my work well but some or other mistakes are always there.

     6)Almost Type 2 process script : Almost 2,here people feel they have not made it.They cannot remain happy with what they achieve. There are people who go on adding degree after degree to their name. People of this type, are not satisfied on getting promotions, because there are still some higher post above the promoted post. Their achievements do not make them happy.

       Eg: Its fine I did my Masters but  I will be happy when I complete my Phd.

       Eg:  Its ok to complete my studies but the real importance is getting a good job.

    7)Open ended script :this resembles the until and after scripts in having a particular cut off points after which things change. This may be lived out over and short as well as long term , the time after that point is just one big void. The motto is , once I get to a certain point in time, I won’t know what to do with myself afterwards.

       Eg: I just don’t know how to kill my time especially after both my kids have gone abroad.

       Eg: Now that I have retired from my job I don’t know how to keep myself busy.

Primary Driver	Process script
Be perfect	until
Please others	after
Be strong	never
Try hard	always
Hurry Up
Please others + try hard	Almost type 1(I almost completed it)
Please others + be perfect	Almost type 2(never satisfied, move to next target)
Please others + be perfect	Open ended

As a part of the process of TA therapy, clients are often encouraged to return to the childhood scenes in which they arrived at self-limiting decisions. Once there, the clients re-experience the scene and then relive it in fantasy in some new way that allows them to reject their old decisions and create new ones. They then design experiments so that they can practice new behaviour to reinforce their re-decision.

Breaking free from process script patterns:

Establish your main process script patterns .Take adult control to break the pattern.

For until script  : Go ahead and have fun even before you have finished the work.

For After script : Go ahead and enjoy today and enjoy tomorrow also.

For  Never script : Decide what 5 specific things  you can do to attain your want. Then do one of these things each day.

For Always script : realise that you do not have to repeat the same mistakes or persist when things are awful. Leave it and look for something new.

For Almost Type 1:Complete what you do

For Almost Type 2:  Recognise each of your own successes as you achieve it.Keep a list of your aims. Every time you achieve something strike it out of your list. Do not start something new before celebrating what you have just achieved.

Yugen #44 Relevance of Games in our Life Script

Half of Life is lost in charming others.

The other half is lost in going through Anxieties caused by others.

Leave this Play,You have played Enough. ——– Rumi

Games are a set of complementary ulterior transactions, repetitive in nature , with a con and gimmick followed by a switch bringing out a well defined psychological payoff.A psychological game is defined by Berne as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well defined predictable outcome “.Games are individually programmed. Games played from Parent ego state : If parents’ games are initiated.Games played from Adult ego state : If they are consciously calculated.Games played from Child ego state :If they are based on early life experiences , decisions and the positions that a child takes about self and others.

Scripts: Script is defined as a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating into a chosen alternative – Eric Berne.

The destiny of every human being is decided by what goes on inside his skull when he is confronted with what goes on outside his skull. Each person decides in early Childhood how he will live and how he will die. When I am in script, I will be Replaying outdated beliefs about myself, other people and the quality of life .Anytime I am experiencing racket feelings , I am in script. Script is a plan a child made for itself and unconsciously continues to live out in subsequent years. It is a decision made once and for all by the child as to how to get strokes from its parents.

Relevance of Games in  script theory :

 (1)Games are played without Adult awareness which furthers script.

 (2)Games always end up with the players experiencing racket feeling which furthers script.

 (3) Games are played to maintain basic life position which furthers script.

 (4) Everytime a person experiences a racket feeling ,he /she has two options to deal with it.

        1) address it with Adult awareness in the here and now or

        2)Store the racket feeling away to be used as “psychological trading stamps” or a “stamp”. When     the    gameplayer stores the racket feeling as a stamp ,it helps in furthering the script.

  (5) When the gameplayer has built up a enough collection of stamps, they feel ‘justified’ in cashing it in for the negative script payoff that they decided upon as a child. This furthers the script.

  (6)Most people play a small number of favourite rackets and games with various persons and in varying intensities. Racketeers and game players intuitively seek out and find partners for complementary rackets and games. Each gameplayer chooses their games in such a way that they would get the stamps that would help them to advance themselves  towards their decided-upon script ending. This script story may also be played in miniature many times during the player’s life. It is marriage and other close relationships that the games are usually played the hardest to furthers one’s script.

(7)Games help to structure time as they come with filtered strokes which not only alters  something about the present situation but also recycles old Parent and Child tape involving discounted strokes from the past.This furthers the script.

(8)Games confirm the parental injunctions and further life script.

(9)Games help to acquire strokes.Positive strokes may be acquired during the early moves of the game and negative strokes always accompany the payoff. A “good” game is often referred to as one in which the amount of pleasant strokes exchanged in the early phases of the game exceed the amount of negative strokes which accompany the payoff. However these games are not really good since they maintain a not-OK life position and further the script.

(10) The intensity of the game being played or the degree of the ‘cashing in’of the payoffs  depends on the kind of script. Also, people choose the degree of the game based on the degree of their script payoff (i.e., a third-degree game for a hamartic script, second-degree for a lighter losing script, etc.). For example, if the gameplayer’s script is hamartic, they might favour making big collections of stamps and cashing them in for a heavy payoff. They may collect stamps of fright for years, then finally cash them in by getting admitted into a psychiatric ward by developing acute paranoid schizophrenia. Such kind of third degree games and rackets help to further a losers script and involves severe tissue damage and the game players may end up in jail,hospital or morgue. On the other hand if a persons  script is banal, they keep smaller collections of stamps and trade them in for lighter payoffs like a quarrel or quitting a job in anger.

(11) People play games to reinforce their script beliefs. As children we see and make our early decisions as being the only way to survive. So, even in adulthood, when we are in script, we want to confirm again and again that reality matches our script beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. So, every time we play a game, we use the payoff to reinforce our script beliefs. And, we choose our games such that they will confirm the scripty beliefs we have about self, others, and quality of life.

(12) Advantages in playing games :Games are played because of their homeostatic or stabilizing function in lives of the individual players. This also helps the game player to further the script.The advantages are negative.

 1)Biological Advantage – Games yield strokes. The strokes that games generate are always negative and painful. Satisfies both stroke hunger and structure hunger.eg: Every time I play”Poor me” , I am inviting the strokes from other by way of gaining attention and sympathy.

 2)Existential Advantage – Games confirm one‘s life position which furthers script.eg : Blemish confirms my life position as I am ok and you are not ok.

3)Internal Psychological Advantage – Games help persons to maintain stability of their script beliefs thus further strengthening scripts.

4)External Psychological Advantage – Games help persons to avoid situations that would challenge their frame of reference by avoiding  anxiety-arousing situations .eg : “Look how hard I tried” provides an excuse to escape accountability of tasks.

5)Internal Social Advantage – Games offer an opportunity for pseudo intimate socializing indoors or in privacy.

6)External Social Advantage – Games offer a theme for gossiping in a wider social circle.

Sr no	Game played	Feature of the game played	Payoff for player as per his script
1	Blemish	Finding faults in others	Distracts attention from self. I am ok u r not ok, Negative reassurance.
2	Courtroom	Derive logically reasons to prove others are wrong in legal grounds	Get attention, support and sympathy. Helps maintain life position I m ok u are not ok.
3	If it weren’t for you	Shifts blame on others for personal failures	Reassurance to self  that it is not my fault, absolution of guilt and ownership,False adequacy -resentment.
4	I’m only trying to help you	Offering help and then getting upset when help is not accepted or acknowledged	Need to be in control of others ,gain popularity, love and acceptance. operates from one up position of power as rescuer.Disappointment.
5	Poor Me	Projecting self as helpless, always the victim, always the recipient of injustice	To gain sympathy, support and attention
6	Now I’ve got you you son of a bitch	Revengeful, vindictive ,vents out rage on others and blames them for it.	Displaces anger and vents it on others
7	Look how hard I,ve tried	Gaining sympathy for one’s failures, showing the amount of efforts put in and still failing to achieve desired results.	Not displaying accountability, responsibility and ownership for one’s actions and results.

Yugen # 43 Recognising games in conversations

Love is not a game of Chess,where you plan your next move,

But a game of Backgammon,where you Trust and Throw the Dice. – Rumi

Game is a series of duplex transactions which leads to a ‘switch’ and a well-defined, predictable ‘payoff’ that justifies a not-OK, or discounted (less-than) position.”.Berne defined a psychological game as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transaction progressing to a well-defined predictable outcome.”

Features of Game:

Games – How is it played ? Involve a Con. Con hooks up to a weakness. Weakness is a handle or a gimmick to get hold of in the respondent.eg.(fear, greed, sentimentality, irritability).After the mark is hooked, player pulls some sort of switch in order to get a payoff. Switch is followed by a moment of confusion or cross up while the mark tries to figure out what has happened to him. Both players collect their payoffs(feelings). Payoff is called a trading stamp. Game ends.Game is a series of duplex transactions which leads to a ‘switch’ and a well-defined, predictable ‘payoff’ that justifies a not-OK, or discounted (less-than) position.”Berne defined a psychological game as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transaction progressing to a well-defined predictable outcome.”

1. Games are repetitive :A person follows the same pattern . Each of us have our favourite games which we keep repeating irrespective of different circumstances.

• Games are played without adult awareness :  Most of the times people don’t realise that they themselves have helped set up the game. They continue to replay the game without being aware they are doing it.

• Games always end up with the players experiencing racket feelings : In a game both players are left feeling unpleasant.

• Games entail an exchange of ulterior transactions between the players: In every game there is something different happening at a psychological level from what seems to be happening at a social level. People repeat their games over and over again finding others whose games interlock with their own.

• Games always include a moment of surprise or confusion :. Here the player senses that something unexpected has happened, especially after people seemed to have changed their roles.

•  Game analysis : There are five different  ways to analyse and understand the dynamics of a game .

1. Formal game analysis – analyses the various  “advantages” of a game.
2. Drama Triangle :Focusses on racket and game positions.
3. Transactional game diagram : involves the diagnosis of ego states, including emphasis on psychological level communication.
4. Symbiosis diagram : focusses on identifying the preferred ego states of each player.
5. Formula G : describes the flow of a game, outlining the steps it will take once the initial moves are begun.

•  Advantages of games :

1. Helps to  pass the time with people.
2. Enables to main the basic life position.
3. Meet the need to acquire negative strokes.
4. Helps to confirm parental injunctions.
5. Creates pseudo intimacy.
6. Aids to mask our real and authentic feelings. Games plays out as follows:

• An opening con (C), an invite from person A to person B into the game, has to hook person B’s gimmick (G).
• When B responds (R) the game is on.
• With B hooked, person A can pull the switch (S) which sends person B into complete confusion or cross up (X).
• Once the cross up has happened then both parties can claim their payoff (P).

Game analysis using game formula  : Example

 Con : Shweta signals Anupama her desire to play a game with her( 1)nonverbal    communication(rolled up eyes & meaningful wink).(2)stating her observations to Anupama about Nisha and waits for a response from Anupama rather than telling what she already knows and asking directly for what she wants.

Gimmick : Anupama gimmick is her need to feel powerful and acceptance in the group (as a cover up for her inadequacy in work performance). She communicates the gimmick by her (1) nonverbal behaviour,(2) her loaded  suggestions and snide  remarks,(3)her immediate response to Shweta’s criticism of Nisha.

Response : Social response of feeling very important and powerful people in the clan. Sometimes this leads to lack of intimate relationships of the team members with Shweta and Anupama.

Switch : Anupama switched her role and loyalties and reveals everything to Nisha especially all the details said by Shweta behind Nisha’s back.

Cross up :Shweta experiences moment of silence, disbelief ,anger and confusion . Her ego state changes from CP to AC(Shweta feels victimised and at receiving end of Anupama’s betrayal.

Payoff :Shweta feels angry, betrayed.Anupama derives triumph and a sadistic pleasure. Nisha feels happy to gain trust of Anupama.  People are sometimes surprised when after having engaged in a pleasant stroking for a period of time, they are suddenly aware of an emotional element which is tense ,hostile, sad or unpleasant.They have been playing a game,without Adult awareness,so that the racket feeling payoff comes as a surprise.This racket feeling results from a discount either of the self or someone else.This ranges from a Victims sadness or confusion to a Persecutors anger or triumph to a rescuers concern or pity

Yugen #42 Understanding the concept of Stroke Economy in Transactional Analysis

And still after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, ” You owe me “. Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky .” ———— Rumi

Definition and explanation :

The stroke economy is a concept which helps to clarify why we end up with so little warmth in our interactions and what we can do to change this. This  was created by Claude Steiner, a transactional analyst psychotherapist, in the 1960s. A stroke is a unit of recognition . If it’s a positive stroke you could see it as a little parcel of love given by one person and received by another. We all need strokes and a lot of us go to great lengths to earn them (like working too much, or being overly-nice to people, more than you really want to be). However, strokes  are free, they are easy to give, so why aren’t we all giving and receiving strokes all the time, which would make us all feel a lot better? Steiner believes that parents do this as a way of controlling children. By teaching children that strokes are in short supply ,the parents gain the position of stroke monopolist. As we grow into adults, we are unaware of this and continue to use these rules .Most adults spend our lives in a state of partial stroke deprivation.

Stroke economy is the indoctrination as children by parents about the five restrictive rules about stroking. By training children to obey these rules, parents ensure that, in a situation in which strokes could be available in a limitless supply, is transformed into a situation in which the supply is low and the price parents can extract for them is high. Knowing that strokes are essential, the child soon learns to get them by performing in ways which mother and father demand.

1. Don’t give strokes when you have to give.
2. Don’t ask for strokes when you need them.
3. Don’t accept strokes if you want them.
4. Don’t reject strokes when you don’t want them.
5. Don’t give yourself strokes.

In order to reclaim our awareness, spontaneity and intimacy, Claude Steiner urges  that we need to reject the restrictive basic training our parents imposed on us regarding stroke exchange.  As grown- ups we can re- assess these childhood decisions and change them if we want. He suggested the following.

Strokes are limitless and come free

1. Give strokes that you want to give

2. Ask for the strokes you want or need

3. Accept the strokes you get

4. Don’t accept the strokes you don’t want

5 .Stroke yourself (a lot)

Instead of stroke economy we need to go for stroke affluence .

Impact on personality : A stroke is a unit of recognition and provides stimulation to an individual. Since strokes are necessary for survival, a person will do whatever she or he thinks she/he must in order to receive the strokes needed by them. Extensive research done by  Rene Spitz and Dr. Harlow and others indicate that stimulus deprivation for prolonged periods result in adverse mental and emotional reactions, including psychosis and other impacts on personality of the child ,which becomes evident while growing up. Berne concluded that,” a biological chain may be postulated leading from emotional and sensory deprivation through apathy to degenerative changes to death.”

Stroke Power : each  stroke can be thought of as having a certain amount of stimulation power, ranging from 1 up to 100 for positive strokes perhaps to 1000 for negative strokes. Negative strokes are potentially more powerful than positive strokes. Not only can negative strokes be delivered more powerfully, but human is psychologically structured to be strongly  impacted far greatly by a negative stroke. Our instinct for survival requires that we respond to negative inputs with more immediacy and energy than we need for positive inputs. Our bodies can take only a limited amount of negative stroke. E.g., A terrorised child might faint and blank out when his circuits are overloaded and will recall only dread and tension in his mind ,gut and muscles. Therefore, strokes have different amounts of power and this is called stroke power.

Eg:    Hi suparna – 10 positive strokes

          You are doing good suparna   – 50 positive strokes

          You are stunning , with a smile and hug – 100 positive strokes.

          I don’t like your dress – 10 negative strokes

          Get lost – 100 negative strokes

          You are a loser , just like your father – 200 negative strokes

          A bad trashing in black and blue – 1000 negative strokes

Stroke Profile : A stroke profile is a device for measuring what an individual does with strokes in four different categories. Each is very important and has considerable implications for living. Generally, since people do not like to give up strokes until a replacement is assured ,it is easier to raise a lower rating than to lower a high one. When the low rating goes up, the high one will usually come down. The stroke profile  also provides clues about a person’s script since an individual’s stroking pattern both reinforces his script and provides a way to carry it out. This method is devised by Jim Mc kenna.

Give : Giving positive strokes is always welcome and essential for a healthy development of personality as long as over nurturing is avoided. If one is open to giving strokes, you will also tend to get back an equal amount of what you give. Many people want to give strokes only after others have given to them. Giving first always works better.

Eg. : You are so talented young boy !

Eg. : You are a rockstar !

Take : Taking strokes is important. One flourishes with positive strokes so accept it with gratitude. Also build the strength the accept feedback even if it is negative , as long as it is growth oriented. A freely given stroke does not obligate a response. If it feels good, take it and enjoy it, and do not look for attached strings.

Eg. : I like it when you express your love to me, it matters a lot ,thank you and I accept your comments with gratitude.

Eg.:  “I like it when you appreciate my dressing style,” said Reema.

Ask : It is ok to ask and its equally important as the ones given spontaneously. Asking for attention or love and appreciative is very important, so if it matter to you ,one must not hesitate to ask and receive strokes for emotional wellbeing.

Eg. : How am I looking in this new saree ?

Eg.; “ I am a god boy, ma ?”asked Suraj.

Self Stroke : This is when a person gives strokes to himself or herself in a very reassuring manner.

Eg: Patting one’s back, wiping the palm on the face and body during a massage.

Rejecting: You do not have to give what someone else wants. Give only what you want to give and help establish an honest stroke economy. One can reject negative strokes that you don’t like . Some positive strokes can also be rejected .eg : Being forced to eat an extra helping even when you are full.

Eg., I do not want to join the meeting today.

Eg.;   I am busy today, cannot join you for a movie tonight.

Samuels feels that “people tend to give the kind of strokes they want to receive “ people tend to take care of other people  the way they themselves would like to be taken care of. Unfortunately, they may wait for other people to read their minds and so often end up being disappointed. Hence self-stroking is very important. As grown-ups we tend to continue the adapted behaviour of not acknowledging our achievements.  In adulthood most of us are so used to belittle our own achievements to even ourselves. It is important to self-stroke  in order to feel consistently good about ourselves.

The value of strokes is also significantly affected by the source. A stroke from a casual acquaintance usually will not have as much impact as one from someone important to you, such as an employer, respected peer or lover. And regardless of who gives the stroke the ego state she uses may also make a large difference in its value.

Yugen # 41 Time Structure in Transactional Analysis

If everything around you seems dark, Look again,

You may be the Light —- Rumi

How can we structure our time to meet our needs for strokes ?

Structure hunger :We all have an inherent need of structure in our life. What we are going to do in the available time is a matter of our choice. Imagine you wake up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. If you do not have a plan ,you will have an inner urge to reflect and make a schedule for yourself. This is called structure hunger. Structure hunger is a way to satisfy one need to structure time when no time structure is placed on a person. Time is structured to remove the pain of boredom.

Modes of structuring time : There are six modes of structuring time, each mode has a different relation to strokes. The six modes are

Withdrawal  2.Rituals  3.Pastimes  4.Activities  5.Games    6.Intimacy.

The intensity of stroking increases as we move down the list. The degree of psychological risk also         increases as we go down the list. The unpredictability of stroking tends to increase. It becomes less predictable whether we will be accepted or rejected by the other person.

1. Withdrawal :In withdrawal a person may be attentive inward and carry on a monologue in the head. This can happen in any ego state as it is difficult to predict due to lack of any external clues. It may be  ±CP, ±NP ,  ±AC  , ±NC & A.The person indulges in self strokes in both getting and giving. Withdrawal is usually safe, requires little emotional investment and does not provide stroking from others. In withdrawal  the only strokes we get are self strokes. A person who spends too much time withdrawing may become stroke deprived, lonely and depressed and in severe cases withdrawal may lead to autistic thinking.

E.g., Suparna spending some quiet time in a deep reflective mode and asking herself “what is the purpose of my life ?”.This is an example of positive self stroke.

E.g., Suparna doing her SWOT analysis sitting alone in a room,reflecting on her weaknesses and threats and she says ,” Come on ,pull up your socks ,this is not good”. This is example of negative self stroke.

• Rituals : This is a familiar social interaction that proceeds as if it were pre-programmed. As we grow up, we all learn rituals appropriate in our family culture. The art of greeting, hosting, acknowledging gratitude, making conversation with different age groups. Structurally rituals belong to Parent ego state and are performed from the Adapted child. Since this brings about a comfortable result in terms of adapting to expected norms, it is a positive AC behaviour  which may be difficult to assess due to stereotyped words, tones and gestures used in rituals. The intensity of the strokes may be low but are important as they get counted and stored in the stroke bank. There is safe ,predictable exchange of strokes which provide important maintenance strokes.

E.g.  Suparna saying :”Namaste words, tones, are you ?”. Nirmala aunty smiles at suparna and says “namaste beta, I am fine ,how about you ?”.This is example of positive stroke in ritual.

E.g., Suparna enters the lift of her office building. Liftman Raju wishes her “Good morning”. Suparna ignores Raju. This is example of negative stroke in ritual.

• Pastimes : As the name suggest, when people indulge in discussing about past time or experiences of what happened some time back, the content is not pre-programmed and is lighter more like a cocktail conversation . This light superficial conversation  is usually conducted from a Parent or Child ego state where pre judged opinions about the world are expressed. This can yield mostly positive and some negative strokes where people “sound each other out “ and can lay the foundation for games and intimacy. Pastime strokes are more intense and less predictable.

E.g.  Suparna has invited 12 women for kitty party in her house over lunch. All the women are talking about where they travelled in the past 2-3 months and laugh. This is positive stroke in pastime.

E.g., Anupama invited the women from the building for lunch to give a surprise birthday party to her mother-in-law. Some  of them talked about the covid scare and said that this lunch was not necessary. This is an example of negative stroke in pastime.

• Activities: When conversation between people are directed at achieving a specific goal instead of merely talking about it, it called an activity as the participants direct their energies towards some material outcome. The Adult  ego state is very predominant as people are focussed on here and now goals. It can also be from AC or P egostates especially  when participant follow some rules  or feedback is provided post the completion of an activity. The perception of the psychological risk can be greater depending on the activity. Strokes from activity can be both conditional positive and conditional negative. They are usually delayed strokes, given at the end of the activity for a job well or poorly done.

E.g. :  Suparna has decided to learn how to do decopage using wine bottles. She has decided to finish the decoration in three hours along with her friend Jaya.This is example of positive conditional stroke.

E.g., The team members from office sit around a round table in the meeting room, with the purpose of brainstorming. One of them claimed,”This is a stupid idea, it will not work .”.This is an example of conditional negative stroke.

•  Games : When people exchange a series of transactions and at the end of that they both feel bad, it is called a game. Their social level message sounds like an exchange of information but at a psychological level there is an ulterior transaction happening. Following  the initial invitation and a  switch  later on, it signals a game leaving with a payoff ,both people feeling offended. Games are usually played from negative AC, negative CP or negative NP but never an adult. There are intense strokes at the beginning but end with intense negative strokes for all the players. The psychological risk perceived is very great. In a game each participant shifts the responsibility for the outcome to another.

E.g. : In the kitty party Suparna proposed a short trip to Lonavala for all members. All agree and indulge in making plans. Suddenly Vimal says ,” I don’t think it’s a great idea, let’s go to Shirdi “.  Suparna feels bad that her idea is suddenly opposed and discounted. Some others join in and say that perhaps they should drop the idea totally due to covid restrictions.  Both Suparna and Vimal feel bad at the ways things have turned out.This is negative stroke as payoff.

E.g., Sush calls her boyfriend and tells him that she will slash her wrist if he decides to break up with her. Aarav feels sorry and unwillingly continues with their relationship because he is scared that sush will harm herself. Here Sush(need for love, recognition and attention) has hooked on with Aarav(need for company, friendship). She cons him into a relationship . Later she dumps him when she meets a rich guy , Anil ,who can shower her with lavish gifts. Here Aarav is left feeling miserable, Sush feels bad moving over to Anil.This is negative stroke as payoff.

• Intimacy: When people express their authentic feelings and wants to each other without censoring and secret messages, it is called intimacy. Here the social and psychological level messages are congruent and feelings expressed are  appropriate to finish the situation. The participants make it very clear to each other, as far as possible what they expect at a feeling and thinking level from each other. Intimacy is a candid child to child relationship with no games and mutual exploitation. It is set up by the adult ego states of the parties concerned, so that they understand very well their contracts and commitments with each other. Because intimacy is not pre- programmed, it is the most unpredictable of all the ways of time structuring. The outcome of intimacy must always be constructive for people concerned .The comfort and nature of strokes experienced depends on the transaction and situation. There is complete clarity made as far as possible about what we want on a feeling level and thinking level.

E.g. Shoms screamed at his mother. Suparna spoke to shom after two hours and had a very candid and frank conversation about how she felt and stated her expectations from him . In return Shoms also disclosed the reason of his displeasure. Both had a frank discussion and decided on way forward ,in an adult manner talking the situation in the here and now. At the end both Shom and his mother felt good with the outcome of the discussion. It further strengthened their bond as both has set their expectations very clearly. This is example of positive strokes .

When the source of strokes is external and not modified by stroke filter, person may engage in ritual, pastime, activity or intimacy. When the stroke filter is being used to modify the stroke, then intimacy is not present, an activity will not progress for long and a racket or game is probably occurring.When a person is in a racket or a game, the stroke filter not only alters something about the present situation,but also recycles old Parent and Child tapes involving discounted strokes from the past.