Yugen # 34 Transactional Analysis – A Brief Introduction

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

Transactional Analysis is a theory of Personality and systematic psychotherapy for personal development and personal change. This concept was given by Eric Berne.Eric Berne was born on May 10, 1910, in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, as Eric Lennard Bernstein. He was the son of David Hillel Bernstein, MD, a general practitioner, and Sarah Gordon Bernstein, a professional writer and editor. His only sibling, his sister Grace, was born five years later. The family immigrated to Canada from Poland and Russia. Berne’s father died of tuberculosis when Berne was 11. His mother then supported herself and her two children working as an editor and writer. She encouraged her son to follow in his father’s footsteps and to study medicine. After completing his one-year internship in 1936, he began his psychiatric residency at the Psychiatric Clinic of Yale University School of Medicine, where he worked for two years.

He developed the tripartite scheme used today (Parent, Adult, and Child), introduced the three-circle method of diagramming it, showed how to sketch contaminations, labelled the theory, “structural analysis”, and termed it “a new psychotherapeutic approach”.By the 1970s, because of TA’s non-technical and non-threatening jargon and model of the human psyche, many of its terms and concepts were adopted by eclectic therapists as part of their individual approaches to psychotherapy. Within the framework of transactional analysis, more recent transactional analysts have developed different and overlapping theories of transactional analysis: cognitive, behavioural, relational, redecision, integrative, constructivist, narrative, body-work, positive psychological, personality adaptational, self-reparenting, psychodynamic and neuro constructivist

Berne was influenced by many teachers who influenced his thinking and inspired him to work on this field for therapy to patients. Professor Eugen Kahn, German Psychiatrist and Eric Berne teacher on psychoanalytic theories,Dr. Paul Federn Austrian ,American psychologist spoke of functions of ego formation,Professor Erik Erikson, German American developmental Psychologist and Psychoanalyst worker and taught Eric Berne on psychotherapy and Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist laid the foundation of phenomena of transference and resistance and multi- faceted components of personality

Assumptions  and Principles in TA :

(1)People are OK. This is the fundamental acceptance that regardless of what you do, no matter what you think, or despite your feelings you are a worthwhile, valuable person in your own right. You are special. Everyone is special. We are all as important as each other. This is a statement of essence and not behaviour.

My personal takeaways from this are

• You and I both have worth, value and dignity.
• You accept me as me and I accept you as you.
• We are all equal and no one is one up on the other.
• I recognise your presence in my life and acknowledge you for being you and vice versa.
• I will not attempt to change people to suit my needs ,although the person has a different appearance and qualities that do not fit into my frame .
• I will accept people openly for what they are over what they do and have.
• I must respect everybody and accept them as they are.
• Positive reinforcement increases the feeling of OKness in all of us.
• Each person has validity, importance and equality of respect.
• Each of us deserves positive strokes because we all co -exist.
• I must positively stroke and accept the damaged and unaccepted  parts of my personality to heal myself. I can change myself by stroking the rejected part and making it unite with the accepted part of my personality.
• My awareness of myself and my behaviour with people around me will heal me of my damages, pain and suffering.

2) We can all think. If we have all got the capacity to think then we have all got the capacity to work out what we want and work out how to get there.

My personal takeaways from this are

• Everyone who has a functional brain can think.
• Everyone can decide and live the consequences of their choices
• I should not underestimate anyone’s ability to think and decide.
• I should not look down or judge anyone’s capabilities.
• All have a basic lovable core and desire for personal growth.

3)People decide their own destiny and have the power to change these decisions at any time. If we got to where we are today because of the decisions that we made then it’s within our power to change these decisions. We can be who we want to be and achieve our goals if that’s what we choose to do. Small changes may start the process and build up to larger changes when it feels safe.  It’s about getting around the barriers to change together.  Sometimes they need kicking down, sometimes we go round them and sometimes we realise that although they look like they are there, when we examine them up close, they are not there at all.

My personal takeaways from this are

• I have only one life  and I am making my own life.
• I make my own decisions and have to face the consequences of those decisions.
• I have to take ownership of our own decisions and be accountable for the actions and results.
• The power to change my life lies with me.
• With awareness I can change my life to a more meaningful and fulfilling one.
• I will not resort to luck and fate and blame others for my problems.
• All emotional difficulties in life are curable.

PRINCIPLES OF TA:

• Contract which can be an administrative one as well as a psychological contract emphasising on mutual respect ,trust and confidentiality. This enables to set expectations and goals for parties involved in TA.
• Open communication which is free of jargons and acknowledges that you and I are on equal levels.This enables mutual acceptance, respect and non- violent communication between the parties.

Yugen #26 Discrimination

Its not that we were poor

And we couldn’t afford

It’s the discrimination

That hurts me the most.

While my brother stood and chose

His toy red pushback car

I was told

that I could have my doll no more.

How I walked the footpath crestfallen and sad

Tear eyed ,angry feeling broken and sorry from within,

Walking the lane at chembur station

Looking at the toy kitchenwares

And boxes with dolls within,

Crying on my flight

For being born a girl

Who couldn’t fight

And see any more  light.

Yugen # 18 FEED

There is a phrase “Food for thought “. This means something to think about, some kind of mental nourishment or food for the mind. Anything that gives you a reason to stop and ponder is food for thought. It’s an expression that’s been around in its current form since the nineteenth century, apparently taking the idea of digestion and transferring it from the stomach to the brain.

We live most of our lives inside our head, so its important to ensure that we take care to see that it is a nice place to be in.

As Rumi said,

You are your thought, brother, the rest of you is bones and fibre.

If you think of roses, you are a rose garden.

If you think of thorns, you are fuel for the furnace.

We are what we feed ourselves and feed is not just restricted to the food we intake but also the thoughts that we live with in our minds and the kind of people we associate with and the environment we surround ourselves in. In an everchanging and emerging world today dominated by digital and technological interventions in all aspects of our life, it has become increasingly important to be careful about what we read, discuss and debate about, what thoughts we allow to   dominate our mind.

  Do we ever introspect about what we think?

We must be able to channelize all our negative thoughts to acceptance and become conscious of positive possibilities. We often tend to limit our potential more in our mind even before making any  efforts to challenge them.

Begin by firstly stopping the innate desire to please everybody around you, one cannot be loved and liked by all, so don’t be too hard on yourself and try to seek a logical reason.

 Throw away the negative thoughts, stay away from toxic people and relationships. Don’t let negative thoughts overpower your self – perception which might in turn impact your attempt to gain excellence. Thoughts have a strong link to our feelings and behaviours. Most of us suffer from the syndrome “I am not good enough”. These thoughts lead to beliefs that keep us from performing at our peak. Creating a more positive outlook can lead to better outcomes. Positive thoughts have magical powers. Optimistic thoughts lead to positive and productive behaviours which increases our chance at success.

Today when I hear this melodious song from the film GUDDI, I can relate to the meaningful lyrics of the song which we sang as a prayer in school;

Humme mann ki shakti dena, mann vijay kare;

Dusro ki jay se pehle, khud ko jay kare.

“Every person’s value is in the thought they hold.”

Yugen # 17 Help

Today is a bright relatively warm and sunny day in Mumbai after a rare spell of cooler winter breeze. My usual morning routine starts with offering a small prayer of gratitude to God and wishing for a great and peaceful day ahead. Sitting down to have a cup of day, on this Monday, I read this first message on face book.

Behind every strong, independent woman lies a broken little girl who had to learn how to get back up and to never depend on anyone.

Somewhere deep inside me this touched a chord and I resonated with this sentence so much, that it took me back to all my days of struggle, not with the world but with myself. A struggle within me that made me chaotic and unable to deal with the pressures of the external world. This resulted in a lot of abrupt reactions, anger, frustration and depression due to my inability to cope and deal with the expectations of others, while playing my various roles.

What about me and my expectations from others? Did anyone try to understand that?

My memories took me back to all those random acts of kindness from unknown people ,who offered me their time and listened to my tales of pain, a friend who offered to take care of my son for a few hours so that I could rush back to work the day my maid didn’t turn up, a colleague who proactively packed a tasty meal for me, a travel friend who offered me advise and told me that I should study further if my heart so desired, a seemingly mature son who understood that I wouldn’t be able to make awesome school projects and offered help in completing the same, a spouse who understood that I was tired after long hours at work and travel and offered to cook up dinner and my mother in law who willingly took it up on herself to supervise the maids taking care of my son while he was a kid …  help from all fronts.

Its only when one is open to receiving that can one enjoy and appreciate the kindness. Helping is not so much of giving, as it is also about receiving. We women suffer from this, we shy from reaching out and seeking help. We assume that asking for help is a sign of our weakness. As I am maturing, I find myself being able to easily articulate and seek help for even smaller things. I guess this is a way to build emotional connections with people. Helping is beneficial both to the giver and receiver. One must be able to help, when help is asked for or needed, with an open mind, open heart and open will and should also be able to receive help when needed and offered. Both situations require sensitivity, great understanding, empathy and above all humility. Mutual trust, genuine interest, active listening, acknowledgement of interdependence and acceptance of vulnerability are key factors that make helping such a beautiful and rewarding social experience.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find

All the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.   ——   Rumi

Yugen #12 The Joys of Learning

This article is a tribute to myself for taking the plunge to re-learn. The strength that it took to break open the shackles of self- doubt and finally take the breath of fresh air and smell the air filled with new freedom….freedom from routine, freedom from fear of anxiety, freedom from the fear of the unknown    and dive deep into the stream of new possibilities.

This article is a tribute to ME, for the time I gave myself, to reflect, learn and grow.

Yes it is with lots of love I write this article to acknowledge myself on this beautiful phase of learning that I have gifted to myself.

As I complete one year of my journey into this course that I have been taking for a year of studying organisation development and change management …. I look back fondly on my journey of LEARNING, SELF REFLECTION, and INTROSPECTION AND ADMIRE THE GROWNG LOVE I HAVE FOR MYSELF

The only way that we can live, is if we grow.

The only way that we can grow, is if we change.

The only way we can change, is if we learn.

The only way we can learn, is if we are exposed.

The only way we can become exposed, is if we throw ourselves out into the open.

 Do it.

 Throw yourself.                                          C. Joybell C

 

As I read through my notes and journal and reflect on the meaningful discussions with a class of new friends, I have known in the year that has gone by, I accept that I have grown by leaps and bounds, simply because I surrendered myself completely on daily learnings – HERE AND NOW, absorbing all the information, soaking in all the shared reflections, co- created by the collaboration that resulted in very intellectual debates and discussions.

Learning is a very self- initiated and self – driven cognitive process and sometimes we become prisoners of our own thinking. It takes in a lot of self- discipline, commitment and self- motivation in the beginning but as you go through the daily grind it pushes you further to exert and excel.

I have always been fond of reading as a kid and would exchange my library books with my friends so that I could read upto five or six books a week. Somehow the love for books continued but the discipline was missing and I read books only when I had some time in hand.

The day I started studying this changed. I made time to read, a few pages to begin with, a few chapters a day and now almost a book in a week. I am glad that I have finally got into the habit of disciplined reading which is so important for growth.

As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears         Rumi

This one year I have been exposed to a huge collection of reference books and articles sometimes to the point of being very overwhelmed and confused and faced with the dilemma as to ‘where to  begin’, listening to practicing OD consultants with awe , interacting with academicians with sheer respect. The journey has been immensely fulfilling and I laude myself with pride , love and respect for being able to sustain this in a class  with half my age and most  importantly without bunking a single class in the entire year, every week.

I am proud of myself, great effort done by me and lots of love to myself.

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment            Rumi

 I just did. DISCOVER YOURSELF

Yugen # 11 @ Learning to Live

How about looking at life from a different place than most of us see it every day. A healthier place! A place filled with love, courage, humour, abundance and openness. A place that is more sensible and sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotions.

There is a subtle truth, whatever you love, you are       – Rumi

Just look around you; you see people running all the time to reach their destination; always in a hurry, heads looking down on their cell phones like an addicted individual.  There is just no time for any interaction, conversations, exchange of words, FACE TO FACE.  Are we using technology to help us simplify our life or are we already victims to technology and let the latter control our lives completely.

We are so busy and wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, a good car, a comfortable home, busy paying off our loans.  We are so mechanically involved in doing millions of little tasks to just KEEP OUR LIFE GOING. We don’t get into the habit of taking a pause and reflecting, looking at our lives and saying,

IS THIS WANT I FROM LIFE?

IS THAT ALL?

AM I HAPPY?

IS SOMETHING MISSING IN MY LIFE?

Do you take care of others or take care of your inner child? Do you seek success or seek simplicity?

Ultimately when we grow old, grey and frail, it is the love of people and friends we have around us that keep us going.  It is the loving relationships that maintain us. We don’t need speech or hearing to feel that love between people.  Just holding hands is enough to let a lot of love pass between caring people. It is all about having a group of people to share your joys, sorrows and experiences.

People are so lonely today, they have no one to share their pain with ….

People seek hope, a show of affection, communication and warmth

Love is the energizing elixir of the universe,

 The cause and effect of all harmonies             –      Rumi