Yugen # 45 Process script and Role of drivers

Yesterday I was Clever,

So I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise,

so I am changing myself. ——— Rumi

Process Script is the process of living or life style, which are consistent with overall life plan. Process Script refers to the patterned behaviours and responses which a person uses on a day to day or second by second basis. Berne points out that a person‘s life plan is mostly influenced by her injunctions, while life style is mostly influenced by her drivers. There are 6 script process pattern or scripty life style .

1)Until Process script :People with Until style  set  certain targets to be completed before enjoying their life. “I can’t have fun until I have finished my work.” “After I retire, I will be able to go for picnic.” “Once the children are grown up, my problems will be over and then I can enjoy“.

       Eg : I will submit the presentation and then take have dinner.

       Eg: I will work till 60 years of age and then only travel for pleasure.

     2) After Process script :People belonging to After style believe that if they enjoy today, they may have to      weep tomorrow. They are always anxious about the future, ever expecting some calamity to follow. When they start their vehicle their first thought is about the probability of an accident. When children are late from school or the spouse is late from office, their mind is burdened with the possibility of calamity.

      Eg:  Don’t laugh too much today or else you will have to cry tomorrow.

      Eg:Don’t be too happy with your papers today or else tomorrow’s exam may be tough.

      Eg:Don’t celebrate your success today ,you don’t know how long it will last ?

    3) Never process script : People with the ‘Never’ script are always running after something they do not have. They  moan ” I don’t get whatever I want most” .They cannot enjoy life though they have adequate facilities at their disposal. They never reach their goal. They never finish their tasks. Since they are not satisfied with the present life, they never to experience intimacy or enjoy sex, and never to succeed professionally.

     Eg:  Life is  tough for me, I’m constantly struggling ,as always.

     Eg:  Nothing is easily available to me, I’ve to struggle for everything.

   4)Always Process script : People who belong to the Always script bemoan” My fate is to suffer always.Why do I always get such a negative deal?” “Why does this always happen to me?”. They think living is always working and suffering. They will go from one unsatisfactory relationship, job or locality to another. They follow the  pattern, why does this always follow to me ?

   Eg: Why do I always get such horrible bosses to report to ?

   Eg: Nothing comes to me easily, I’ve to always struggle to achieve anything .

   5) Almost Type 1 process script : Such people make “all” efforts to become successful but in the end, something happens and they lose their due share Almost : Almost script says, I almost made it this time. Berne called this pattern “over and over “ as in almost1. Eg. Questions for the exams were very easy, but I could not finish satisfactorily . My job interview with that company was comfortable, but I could not conclude it well. This time I almost reached the top of the promotion list, but. “. “My son had prepared very well for exams, but he fell sick. He listens to all the lectures attentively but does not understand.

   Eg:  I prepared well for the interview but did not get the job.

   Eg:  I always plan my work well but some or other mistakes are always there.

     6)Almost Type 2 process script : Almost 2,here people feel they have not made it.They cannot remain happy with what they achieve. There are people who go on adding degree after degree to their name. People of this type, are not satisfied on getting promotions, because there are still some higher post above the promoted post. Their achievements do not make them happy.

       Eg: Its fine I did my Masters but  I will be happy when I complete my Phd.

       Eg:  Its ok to complete my studies but the real importance is getting a good job.

    7)Open ended script :this resembles the until and after scripts in having a particular cut off points after which things change. This may be lived out over and short as well as long term , the time after that point is just one big void. The motto is , once I get to a certain point in time, I won’t know what to do with myself afterwards.

       Eg: I just don’t know how to kill my time especially after both my kids have gone abroad.

       Eg: Now that I have retired from my job I don’t know how to keep myself busy.

Primary Driver	Process script
Be perfect	until
Please others	after
Be strong	never
Try hard	always
Hurry Up
Please others + try hard	Almost type 1(I almost completed it)
Please others + be perfect	Almost type 2(never satisfied, move to next target)
Please others + be perfect	Open ended

As a part of the process of TA therapy, clients are often encouraged to return to the childhood scenes in which they arrived at self-limiting decisions. Once there, the clients re-experience the scene and then relive it in fantasy in some new way that allows them to reject their old decisions and create new ones. They then design experiments so that they can practice new behaviour to reinforce their re-decision.

Breaking free from process script patterns:

Establish your main process script patterns .Take adult control to break the pattern.

For until script  : Go ahead and have fun even before you have finished the work.

For After script : Go ahead and enjoy today and enjoy tomorrow also.

For  Never script : Decide what 5 specific things  you can do to attain your want. Then do one of these things each day.

For Always script : realise that you do not have to repeat the same mistakes or persist when things are awful. Leave it and look for something new.

For Almost Type 1:Complete what you do

For Almost Type 2:  Recognise each of your own successes as you achieve it.Keep a list of your aims. Every time you achieve something strike it out of your list. Do not start something new before celebrating what you have just achieved.

Yugen #44 Relevance of Games in our Life Script

Half of Life is lost in charming others.

The other half is lost in going through Anxieties caused by others.

Leave this Play,You have played Enough. ——– Rumi

Games are a set of complementary ulterior transactions, repetitive in nature , with a con and gimmick followed by a switch bringing out a well defined psychological payoff.A psychological game is defined by Berne as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well defined predictable outcome “.Games are individually programmed. Games played from Parent ego state : If parents’ games are initiated.Games played from Adult ego state : If they are consciously calculated.Games played from Child ego state :If they are based on early life experiences , decisions and the positions that a child takes about self and others.

Scripts: Script is defined as a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating into a chosen alternative – Eric Berne.

The destiny of every human being is decided by what goes on inside his skull when he is confronted with what goes on outside his skull. Each person decides in early Childhood how he will live and how he will die. When I am in script, I will be Replaying outdated beliefs about myself, other people and the quality of life .Anytime I am experiencing racket feelings , I am in script. Script is a plan a child made for itself and unconsciously continues to live out in subsequent years. It is a decision made once and for all by the child as to how to get strokes from its parents.

Relevance of Games in  script theory :

 (1)Games are played without Adult awareness which furthers script.

 (2)Games always end up with the players experiencing racket feeling which furthers script.

 (3) Games are played to maintain basic life position which furthers script.

 (4) Everytime a person experiences a racket feeling ,he /she has two options to deal with it.

        1) address it with Adult awareness in the here and now or

        2)Store the racket feeling away to be used as “psychological trading stamps” or a “stamp”. When     the    gameplayer stores the racket feeling as a stamp ,it helps in furthering the script.

  (5) When the gameplayer has built up a enough collection of stamps, they feel ‘justified’ in cashing it in for the negative script payoff that they decided upon as a child. This furthers the script.

  (6)Most people play a small number of favourite rackets and games with various persons and in varying intensities. Racketeers and game players intuitively seek out and find partners for complementary rackets and games. Each gameplayer chooses their games in such a way that they would get the stamps that would help them to advance themselves  towards their decided-upon script ending. This script story may also be played in miniature many times during the player’s life. It is marriage and other close relationships that the games are usually played the hardest to furthers one’s script.

(7)Games help to structure time as they come with filtered strokes which not only alters  something about the present situation but also recycles old Parent and Child tape involving discounted strokes from the past.This furthers the script.

(8)Games confirm the parental injunctions and further life script.

(9)Games help to acquire strokes.Positive strokes may be acquired during the early moves of the game and negative strokes always accompany the payoff. A “good” game is often referred to as one in which the amount of pleasant strokes exchanged in the early phases of the game exceed the amount of negative strokes which accompany the payoff. However these games are not really good since they maintain a not-OK life position and further the script.

(10) The intensity of the game being played or the degree of the ‘cashing in’of the payoffs  depends on the kind of script. Also, people choose the degree of the game based on the degree of their script payoff (i.e., a third-degree game for a hamartic script, second-degree for a lighter losing script, etc.). For example, if the gameplayer’s script is hamartic, they might favour making big collections of stamps and cashing them in for a heavy payoff. They may collect stamps of fright for years, then finally cash them in by getting admitted into a psychiatric ward by developing acute paranoid schizophrenia. Such kind of third degree games and rackets help to further a losers script and involves severe tissue damage and the game players may end up in jail,hospital or morgue. On the other hand if a persons  script is banal, they keep smaller collections of stamps and trade them in for lighter payoffs like a quarrel or quitting a job in anger.

(11) People play games to reinforce their script beliefs. As children we see and make our early decisions as being the only way to survive. So, even in adulthood, when we are in script, we want to confirm again and again that reality matches our script beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. So, every time we play a game, we use the payoff to reinforce our script beliefs. And, we choose our games such that they will confirm the scripty beliefs we have about self, others, and quality of life.

(12) Advantages in playing games :Games are played because of their homeostatic or stabilizing function in lives of the individual players. This also helps the game player to further the script.The advantages are negative.

 1)Biological Advantage – Games yield strokes. The strokes that games generate are always negative and painful. Satisfies both stroke hunger and structure hunger.eg: Every time I play”Poor me” , I am inviting the strokes from other by way of gaining attention and sympathy.

 2)Existential Advantage – Games confirm one‘s life position which furthers script.eg : Blemish confirms my life position as I am ok and you are not ok.

3)Internal Psychological Advantage – Games help persons to maintain stability of their script beliefs thus further strengthening scripts.

4)External Psychological Advantage – Games help persons to avoid situations that would challenge their frame of reference by avoiding  anxiety-arousing situations .eg : “Look how hard I tried” provides an excuse to escape accountability of tasks.

5)Internal Social Advantage – Games offer an opportunity for pseudo intimate socializing indoors or in privacy.

6)External Social Advantage – Games offer a theme for gossiping in a wider social circle.

Sr no	Game played	Feature of the game played	Payoff for player as per his script
1	Blemish	Finding faults in others	Distracts attention from self. I am ok u r not ok, Negative reassurance.
2	Courtroom	Derive logically reasons to prove others are wrong in legal grounds	Get attention, support and sympathy. Helps maintain life position I m ok u are not ok.
3	If it weren’t for you	Shifts blame on others for personal failures	Reassurance to self  that it is not my fault, absolution of guilt and ownership,False adequacy -resentment.
4	I’m only trying to help you	Offering help and then getting upset when help is not accepted or acknowledged	Need to be in control of others ,gain popularity, love and acceptance. operates from one up position of power as rescuer.Disappointment.
5	Poor Me	Projecting self as helpless, always the victim, always the recipient of injustice	To gain sympathy, support and attention
6	Now I’ve got you you son of a bitch	Revengeful, vindictive ,vents out rage on others and blames them for it.	Displaces anger and vents it on others
7	Look how hard I,ve tried	Gaining sympathy for one’s failures, showing the amount of efforts put in and still failing to achieve desired results.	Not displaying accountability, responsibility and ownership for one’s actions and results.

Yugen # 41 Time Structure in Transactional Analysis

If everything around you seems dark, Look again,

You may be the Light —- Rumi

How can we structure our time to meet our needs for strokes ?

Structure hunger :We all have an inherent need of structure in our life. What we are going to do in the available time is a matter of our choice. Imagine you wake up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead. If you do not have a plan ,you will have an inner urge to reflect and make a schedule for yourself. This is called structure hunger. Structure hunger is a way to satisfy one need to structure time when no time structure is placed on a person. Time is structured to remove the pain of boredom.

Modes of structuring time : There are six modes of structuring time, each mode has a different relation to strokes. The six modes are

Withdrawal  2.Rituals  3.Pastimes  4.Activities  5.Games    6.Intimacy.

The intensity of stroking increases as we move down the list. The degree of psychological risk also         increases as we go down the list. The unpredictability of stroking tends to increase. It becomes less predictable whether we will be accepted or rejected by the other person.

1. Withdrawal :In withdrawal a person may be attentive inward and carry on a monologue in the head. This can happen in any ego state as it is difficult to predict due to lack of any external clues. It may be  ±CP, ±NP ,  ±AC  , ±NC & A.The person indulges in self strokes in both getting and giving. Withdrawal is usually safe, requires little emotional investment and does not provide stroking from others. In withdrawal  the only strokes we get are self strokes. A person who spends too much time withdrawing may become stroke deprived, lonely and depressed and in severe cases withdrawal may lead to autistic thinking.

E.g., Suparna spending some quiet time in a deep reflective mode and asking herself “what is the purpose of my life ?”.This is an example of positive self stroke.

E.g., Suparna doing her SWOT analysis sitting alone in a room,reflecting on her weaknesses and threats and she says ,” Come on ,pull up your socks ,this is not good”. This is example of negative self stroke.

• Rituals : This is a familiar social interaction that proceeds as if it were pre-programmed. As we grow up, we all learn rituals appropriate in our family culture. The art of greeting, hosting, acknowledging gratitude, making conversation with different age groups. Structurally rituals belong to Parent ego state and are performed from the Adapted child. Since this brings about a comfortable result in terms of adapting to expected norms, it is a positive AC behaviour  which may be difficult to assess due to stereotyped words, tones and gestures used in rituals. The intensity of the strokes may be low but are important as they get counted and stored in the stroke bank. There is safe ,predictable exchange of strokes which provide important maintenance strokes.

E.g.  Suparna saying :”Namaste words, tones, are you ?”. Nirmala aunty smiles at suparna and says “namaste beta, I am fine ,how about you ?”.This is example of positive stroke in ritual.

E.g., Suparna enters the lift of her office building. Liftman Raju wishes her “Good morning”. Suparna ignores Raju. This is example of negative stroke in ritual.

• Pastimes : As the name suggest, when people indulge in discussing about past time or experiences of what happened some time back, the content is not pre-programmed and is lighter more like a cocktail conversation . This light superficial conversation  is usually conducted from a Parent or Child ego state where pre judged opinions about the world are expressed. This can yield mostly positive and some negative strokes where people “sound each other out “ and can lay the foundation for games and intimacy. Pastime strokes are more intense and less predictable.

E.g.  Suparna has invited 12 women for kitty party in her house over lunch. All the women are talking about where they travelled in the past 2-3 months and laugh. This is positive stroke in pastime.

E.g., Anupama invited the women from the building for lunch to give a surprise birthday party to her mother-in-law. Some  of them talked about the covid scare and said that this lunch was not necessary. This is an example of negative stroke in pastime.

• Activities: When conversation between people are directed at achieving a specific goal instead of merely talking about it, it called an activity as the participants direct their energies towards some material outcome. The Adult  ego state is very predominant as people are focussed on here and now goals. It can also be from AC or P egostates especially  when participant follow some rules  or feedback is provided post the completion of an activity. The perception of the psychological risk can be greater depending on the activity. Strokes from activity can be both conditional positive and conditional negative. They are usually delayed strokes, given at the end of the activity for a job well or poorly done.

E.g. :  Suparna has decided to learn how to do decopage using wine bottles. She has decided to finish the decoration in three hours along with her friend Jaya.This is example of positive conditional stroke.

E.g., The team members from office sit around a round table in the meeting room, with the purpose of brainstorming. One of them claimed,”This is a stupid idea, it will not work .”.This is an example of conditional negative stroke.

•  Games : When people exchange a series of transactions and at the end of that they both feel bad, it is called a game. Their social level message sounds like an exchange of information but at a psychological level there is an ulterior transaction happening. Following  the initial invitation and a  switch  later on, it signals a game leaving with a payoff ,both people feeling offended. Games are usually played from negative AC, negative CP or negative NP but never an adult. There are intense strokes at the beginning but end with intense negative strokes for all the players. The psychological risk perceived is very great. In a game each participant shifts the responsibility for the outcome to another.

E.g. : In the kitty party Suparna proposed a short trip to Lonavala for all members. All agree and indulge in making plans. Suddenly Vimal says ,” I don’t think it’s a great idea, let’s go to Shirdi “.  Suparna feels bad that her idea is suddenly opposed and discounted. Some others join in and say that perhaps they should drop the idea totally due to covid restrictions.  Both Suparna and Vimal feel bad at the ways things have turned out.This is negative stroke as payoff.

E.g., Sush calls her boyfriend and tells him that she will slash her wrist if he decides to break up with her. Aarav feels sorry and unwillingly continues with their relationship because he is scared that sush will harm herself. Here Sush(need for love, recognition and attention) has hooked on with Aarav(need for company, friendship). She cons him into a relationship . Later she dumps him when she meets a rich guy , Anil ,who can shower her with lavish gifts. Here Aarav is left feeling miserable, Sush feels bad moving over to Anil.This is negative stroke as payoff.

• Intimacy: When people express their authentic feelings and wants to each other without censoring and secret messages, it is called intimacy. Here the social and psychological level messages are congruent and feelings expressed are  appropriate to finish the situation. The participants make it very clear to each other, as far as possible what they expect at a feeling and thinking level from each other. Intimacy is a candid child to child relationship with no games and mutual exploitation. It is set up by the adult ego states of the parties concerned, so that they understand very well their contracts and commitments with each other. Because intimacy is not pre- programmed, it is the most unpredictable of all the ways of time structuring. The outcome of intimacy must always be constructive for people concerned .The comfort and nature of strokes experienced depends on the transaction and situation. There is complete clarity made as far as possible about what we want on a feeling level and thinking level.

E.g. Shoms screamed at his mother. Suparna spoke to shom after two hours and had a very candid and frank conversation about how she felt and stated her expectations from him . In return Shoms also disclosed the reason of his displeasure. Both had a frank discussion and decided on way forward ,in an adult manner talking the situation in the here and now. At the end both Shom and his mother felt good with the outcome of the discussion. It further strengthened their bond as both has set their expectations very clearly. This is example of positive strokes .

When the source of strokes is external and not modified by stroke filter, person may engage in ritual, pastime, activity or intimacy. When the stroke filter is being used to modify the stroke, then intimacy is not present, an activity will not progress for long and a racket or game is probably occurring.When a person is in a racket or a game, the stroke filter not only alters something about the present situation,but also recycles old Parent and Child tapes involving discounted strokes from the past.

Yugen 36 Enhancing Personal Awareness by using the Egogram

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.         ― Rumi

Lets first understand the concept of Egogram. Egogram is a graphical representation on the degree in which a person makes use of the different functional ego states.An Egogram is simply defined as: ‘a bar graph showing the relationship of the parts of the personality to each other and the amount of psychological energy emanating outward .Egogram is a visual representation of how individual psychic energy is distributed throughout her functional ego states . The egogram is a relationship diagram, depicting the amount of energy a person uses externally or actively as she relates to others.

Egogram is an intuitive way of showing the functional ego state parts of our personality.It is shown as a bar graph showing the amount of energy within the ego structure of the person and how he/she re-distributes this energy within the different ego states at a given point in time. As these are functional manifestations of ego states, this refers to behaviours and not internal processes.(which would need to be represented by structural analysis). It may not be consistent across environments e.g., Home and work, but it is a useful way of describing personality functioning and identifying change strategies. This was developed by Jack Dusay in 1972 who received the eric berne memorial award in 1973.A person learns to respond from certain ego states at certain times to get what she wants. Different people tend to spend varying amounts of time and energy in different ego states and these tendencies can be illustrated by egograms.

How do you construct your own Egogram ?

The Egogram gives an evaluation of the distribution of energy in the personality, and it can be used by the individual to show how much energy is needed to be re-distributed to other parts of the personality to make positive change. It is simple to construct and use. Draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper. Underneath, label the five ego states – adapted child, free child, adult, controlling parent and nurturing parent. Think of yourself at this particular time or at a specific moment in the past, draw whatever you feel is the most energised part of your personality, and draw it with a vertical line. (This will be your highest column.)Now, using your intuition, draw the lowest energised part of your personality as it is in comparison with the other. (This will be the lowest column.)Then fill in the other states as you see them in comparison with the above.

Having done the exercise, you should have now an egogram of the distribution of your energy within your personality at a given time. This will help you see where you might need at certain times to re-distribute your energy to help solve problems in life or therapy.Internal egogram is an egogram drawn by an individual herself to disclose her internal experience. Composite egogram is drawn by asking ten members to draw my egogram and then taking an average of the same.

For e.g. I experienced a High internal controlling parent message,” do as I tell you”, and responded from my Adapted Child by bowing my head and standing still and quiet. My internal egogram drawn by me , showed a very high Controlling Parent  and very high Adaptive Child and a very low Free Child, whereas  my transactional egogram drawn by others  showed a low Controlling Parent, a high Nurturing Parent  and a high Adapted Child.During and post my TA studies when I drew my egogram ,there was a significant increase in my Adult, Nurturing Parent and Free child and reduction in my Controlling Parent and Adaptive Child.

Constancy of hypothesis :Jack Dusay suggests in his book on Egograms, when the energy in one Ego state increases, the energy in another Ego state decreases, which means that one can successfully distribute one’s energy from one Ego state to another. Egograms are based on constancy hypothesis which states that the amount of psychic energy within a person remains constant. . (2.). When one ego state increases in intensity, another or others must decrease in order to compensate. The shift in psychic energy occurs so that the total amount of energy may remain constant. The general principle used in the egogram is using this to emphasise on raising the lower ego state than lowering the higher ones.

For Eg : When I started my focus on enhancing my Adult awareness, automatically my Free Child increased and my Critical Parent and Adaptive Child decreased.

My experience of transformation using egogram:

I had a high CP  and AC this coming from living a very disciplined and instruction led life . A strongly laid down rule book   at home while growing up, led to a high AC in me, lowering my FC and A. When I became a mother, I was conditioned to think and behave that child should be disciplined by strict parents. This increased my CP  and reduced my A. With the study of TA and conscious awareness and work on myself on a continuous basis, I have enhanced my A and NP and FC substantially. Due to constancy hypothesis automatically,  this has resulted in a decrease in my CP and AC. Indeed, having used Egograms successfully in my own self-evaluation, I can see graphically, the kind of person I am  and  it  shows me  the way  I can positively change to be the person that I want to be in my life today.

CPo +NPo +Ao+ACo+FCo =Ko    where Ko represents a constant figure.

1. You can learn what kind of person you are, and also about others to whom you relate.
2. If we want to become effective helpers, then we need to become aware of the way(s)
   in which we tend to communicate and seek to have more control over choosing
   how we communicate.
3. People can see for themselves what they need to change.

Changing involves an important principle of life  “Whatever you give attention to, grows, and whatever you don’t give attention to, diminishes.”

Yugen No 35 Understanding the dynamics of the PAC model

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.     ― Rumi

The process of analysing personality in terms of ego states is called structural analysis. Eric Berne defined an ego state as a consistent pattern of feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behaviour. Structural analysis is the analysis of the individual psyche.

FIRST AND SECOND ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL  :A COMPARISON

First order of Structural Analysis is looking at how two people interact with each other from their various ego states. Second order Structural Analysis is about studying the interaction between one’s own ego states and how that plays out in relationship with problem.           

At any given time, a person experiences and manifests his or her personality through a mixture of behaviours, thoughts, and feelings .There are three ego-states that people consistently use.

FIRST ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL :

Parent (“exteropsyche”): The Parent ego state refers to the behaviours, thoughts and feelings that are copied, learned or even borrowed from our parents, parental figures, or significant others.

Adult (“neopsyche”): Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.

Child (“archaeopsyche”): a state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity, and intimacy.

SECOND ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL :

The second order structure refers to the subdivision of Parent and Child ego states.                                                                          

Each one of us has unaccountable number of experiences of thoughts, feelings and behavior stored away in memory. The purpose of the second order structural model is to classify these memories in a useful way, with in our framework of ego states. These networks form ego state structures that operate partly consciously and partly unconsciously. The conscious part is observable as distinct ego states, and through further investigation, the operation of unconscious parts, which can be thought of as ego state relational units , can be discovered as well. The structural model classifies stored memories and strategies. The complexity of the second order analysis clarifies how a person may respond in many different ways to a single stimulus.

P2- 6 years onwards      A2-18-36 months    C2- P1-3-6 years           A1-  6-18 months               C1-  0-6 months

  Parent ego state :

P3(Parent in Parent ): This is a store house of messages which may be passed down in generations, facts which are not true today. This is messages we receive from our parents, grandparents ,teachers, influential elders in family and society.

For e.g., Hurry up. Mother is screaming at me for being slow. Mother is ignoring me because she is angry with me. Girls are a burden  and should not be loved. Don’t give girls any gifts . Don’t make girls feel special.

A3(Adult in Parent ):   the reason of the messages and why are they important.

For e.g., Hold your baby brother carefully ,or he will fall.

C3(Child in Parent) : Any secret or covert implications of the messages. For e.g. Having a baby brother is fun.

Adult ego state :

A2 – computer . It is based on data and thoughts. Our own thinking about the message. This about reality testing, here and now thinking and feeling.

For e.g. When mummy puts her hands on her hips, she is very angry with me.

Child ego state :

P1(Parent in Child): Magical parent or electrode for e.g. I must not cry and give up. I have to be strong to survive. I have no one to pamper and take care of me . I will have to grow up on my own and take care of myself. I have to study hard, work hard and earn money to exist and be accepted by my parents. My parents don’t want me .They don’t love me. I am a burden to them.

A1(Adult in Child): little professor.  For e.g.  Whenever I spill milk mother gets mad at me. Mother doesn’t approve of me petting my infant brother. I need to take permission before eating something or else mother will get angry. I must never demand anything. I should not throw tantrums in front of others.

C1(Child in Child) : For e.g. My granny hugging me at sleep, my masi comforting me after me being scolded by my mother, my father giving me a good beating. If I act nice ,everyone will love me. No one wants me near them. No one hugs me because they don’t love me.

Relevance  of PAC model in life experiences:

A young child records almost everything in her parent. Parent tapes like C1 memories are recorded experiences of past events which once formed become part of the persons physiology. These experiences are stored in the chemistry of the organs and muscle tones. No amount of new experiences can truly erase these recordings, since they will always be a part of the persons history.

For e.g. If a person was abused as a child, even years of positive nurturing experience in adulthood will not change the reality of her past abuse. however, once the new experiences are also part of the persons parent, her child may select which of these tapes she will replay.

Yugen # 34 Transactional Analysis – A Brief Introduction

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

Transactional Analysis is a theory of Personality and systematic psychotherapy for personal development and personal change. This concept was given by Eric Berne.Eric Berne was born on May 10, 1910, in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, as Eric Lennard Bernstein. He was the son of David Hillel Bernstein, MD, a general practitioner, and Sarah Gordon Bernstein, a professional writer and editor. His only sibling, his sister Grace, was born five years later. The family immigrated to Canada from Poland and Russia. Berne’s father died of tuberculosis when Berne was 11. His mother then supported herself and her two children working as an editor and writer. She encouraged her son to follow in his father’s footsteps and to study medicine. After completing his one-year internship in 1936, he began his psychiatric residency at the Psychiatric Clinic of Yale University School of Medicine, where he worked for two years.

He developed the tripartite scheme used today (Parent, Adult, and Child), introduced the three-circle method of diagramming it, showed how to sketch contaminations, labelled the theory, “structural analysis”, and termed it “a new psychotherapeutic approach”.By the 1970s, because of TA’s non-technical and non-threatening jargon and model of the human psyche, many of its terms and concepts were adopted by eclectic therapists as part of their individual approaches to psychotherapy. Within the framework of transactional analysis, more recent transactional analysts have developed different and overlapping theories of transactional analysis: cognitive, behavioural, relational, redecision, integrative, constructivist, narrative, body-work, positive psychological, personality adaptational, self-reparenting, psychodynamic and neuro constructivist

Berne was influenced by many teachers who influenced his thinking and inspired him to work on this field for therapy to patients. Professor Eugen Kahn, German Psychiatrist and Eric Berne teacher on psychoanalytic theories,Dr. Paul Federn Austrian ,American psychologist spoke of functions of ego formation,Professor Erik Erikson, German American developmental Psychologist and Psychoanalyst worker and taught Eric Berne on psychotherapy and Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist laid the foundation of phenomena of transference and resistance and multi- faceted components of personality

Assumptions  and Principles in TA :

(1)People are OK. This is the fundamental acceptance that regardless of what you do, no matter what you think, or despite your feelings you are a worthwhile, valuable person in your own right. You are special. Everyone is special. We are all as important as each other. This is a statement of essence and not behaviour.

My personal takeaways from this are

• You and I both have worth, value and dignity.
• You accept me as me and I accept you as you.
• We are all equal and no one is one up on the other.
• I recognise your presence in my life and acknowledge you for being you and vice versa.
• I will not attempt to change people to suit my needs ,although the person has a different appearance and qualities that do not fit into my frame .
• I will accept people openly for what they are over what they do and have.
• I must respect everybody and accept them as they are.
• Positive reinforcement increases the feeling of OKness in all of us.
• Each person has validity, importance and equality of respect.
• Each of us deserves positive strokes because we all co -exist.
• I must positively stroke and accept the damaged and unaccepted  parts of my personality to heal myself. I can change myself by stroking the rejected part and making it unite with the accepted part of my personality.
• My awareness of myself and my behaviour with people around me will heal me of my damages, pain and suffering.

2) We can all think. If we have all got the capacity to think then we have all got the capacity to work out what we want and work out how to get there.

My personal takeaways from this are

• Everyone who has a functional brain can think.
• Everyone can decide and live the consequences of their choices
• I should not underestimate anyone’s ability to think and decide.
• I should not look down or judge anyone’s capabilities.
• All have a basic lovable core and desire for personal growth.

3)People decide their own destiny and have the power to change these decisions at any time. If we got to where we are today because of the decisions that we made then it’s within our power to change these decisions. We can be who we want to be and achieve our goals if that’s what we choose to do. Small changes may start the process and build up to larger changes when it feels safe.  It’s about getting around the barriers to change together.  Sometimes they need kicking down, sometimes we go round them and sometimes we realise that although they look like they are there, when we examine them up close, they are not there at all.

My personal takeaways from this are

• I have only one life  and I am making my own life.
• I make my own decisions and have to face the consequences of those decisions.
• I have to take ownership of our own decisions and be accountable for the actions and results.
• The power to change my life lies with me.
• With awareness I can change my life to a more meaningful and fulfilling one.
• I will not resort to luck and fate and blame others for my problems.
• All emotional difficulties in life are curable.

PRINCIPLES OF TA:

• Contract which can be an administrative one as well as a psychological contract emphasising on mutual respect ,trust and confidentiality. This enables to set expectations and goals for parties involved in TA.
• Open communication which is free of jargons and acknowledges that you and I are on equal levels.This enables mutual acceptance, respect and non- violent communication between the parties.

Yugen # 30 Mother to Son

I was Existing

Till you came into my life,

Giving a new meaning to my being.

You made me a mother

And I thank the universe for this beautiful experience.

Your cooing and laughter

Your hugs and cuddles

Your  out stretched arms opened the doors to a room full of happiness and warmth.

Yes there were hurdles, pain and sleepless nights

Overhauled by your sweet baby talk and innocent love .

You have given us so many delightful moments which are now memories

All those years of tender love

Have filled my cup of life to my brim

And as I see your photographs today

I have a wide grin.

You stay up late to wish me on Mothers day,

You remember my anniversary and Birthday.

You are no longer my little flower bud,

And as you blossom into a young adult

You now play a new role in my life,

As my advisor, friend and confidant.

Wishing you loads of happiness, love, kisses and hugs

Till we embrace each other soon.

                                                                 

Yugen # 28 Living like Jonathan Livingston Seagull

You need to keep finding yourself, a little more each day, that real unlimited you. Look with your understanding, find out what you know and you’’ll see the way to fly.

These  lines  are written by  Richard  Bach in his bestseller book gifted to me by a friend on my birthday  in 1992 during my internship program. I had read the book then and I read it now in 2021 after 29 years.

The perspectives have changed over a period of three decades and I enjoyed reading it and connecting it with a few incidents in my life .

1. There is so much to learn, he flew off by himself again, far out at sea, hungry, happy, learning.

After my post- graduation ,being one of the six  female management graduates from a class of 40 , during a time when recession hit the world, it was tough getting that first dream job. That’s when I learnt my first lesson in the corporate world. Have a leap of faith and go with the flow. All my job changes were guided by the opportunity to learn and execute new things rather than the paycheck. This has kept me going for the next three decades.

2.Such promises are only for the ordinary, one who has touched excellence in his learning has no need of that kind of promise, proud that his fear was under control.

At 48  I ventured to go back to B school and do a formal professional degree in change management . Choose the best for yourself and trust your instinct .  Surround yourself  with bright young minds and keep learning. Discuss your experiences and failures and learn from them. Most important is to control your self- doubt and master the power of self- love and self -belief and most important never stop learning.

3.How much more there is now to living. There is a reason to life. We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free ! we can learn to fly. Who  is more responsible than a gull who finds and follows a meaning, a higher purpose of life.

The corporate job and a young child at home made it difficult to find time to socialise with friends ,let alone read a book. So I found a way out to keep myself updated. All my weekends I started teaching my subjects at management  schools , mingling with bright budding aspirants, which triggered a lot of self and peer learning. So if you want to master a subject ,start teaching it. Its been seventeen years and today when I discuss some of my mistakes I own them with pride, for they have been my stepping stones.

4.Boredom,fear and anger are the reasons that a gulls life is so short.one school is finished and the time  has come for another to begin. Until we began  to learn that there is such a thing as perfection.

There comes a time in your life that the designation, growth and paycheck cannot still contain the feeling of emptiness due to the meaningless rat race.Thats the time I started questioning myself and the very purpose of my existence and source of despair.

That’s when I learnt the three basic needs of all humans and decided to do something about it.

Inspite of reaching that stability in the corporate job, something within me  just didn’t seem right. It was a lingering feeling of unhappiness and  discontentment. Everything was there and still there was this nudge  to reach out and do more.

Instead of being enfeebled by age, be empowered by it.

Age has always been a number and not a deterrent. I have never allowed my age to come in the way of exploring new possibilities, seeking adventure or trying a new assignment. In fact  age has always empowered me to jump into the unknown and expand my window of opportunities .

If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally over come space and time, we have destroyed our own brotherhood. But overcome space and all we have left is here. Overcome time and all we have left is now. Everything that limits us we have to put it aside.

In your journey as you seek perfection or mastery through rigorous practice you will find yourself lonely at times and it is important to focus on the here and now so that your energy is directed towards seeking your goal. Each day I promise to be the better version of myself. Each year, I promise to study something new and raise my personal bar. Each time I converse with my friends, I speak about my experiences and failures with pride. Live your life as no one is watching. Most adults live their life with self-doubt and deprive themselves of love and happiness. Do not reach out to seek validation and appreciation from others instead find the fire and love within you and enjoy the power of self love.

“You think you are alive because you breathe air?
Shame on you, that you are alive in such a limited way.
Don’t be without Love, so you won’t feel dead.
Die in Love and stay alive forever.”

― Rumi

Yugen # 27 Ruminations of the year 2020 – Lost and Found

What a year 2020 has been, it will stand the test of time in history as the most challenging year  globally, the year we realized the value of each breath and life.

It was a beautiful beginning with a visit to Dharamshala, a calling to visit the holy place of the Dalai Lama just before the lockdown was announced. The immediate chaos and vulnerability and fear of the unknown led to mixed emotions of anxiety, fear and sorrow so much that I gave up watching the news…it was too distressing. I had to overcome my panic state and decided to channelize it to more creative pursuits.  Gardening, reading books, knitting and embroidery helped a great deal to divert the mind from the day to day worries of procuring groceries and veggies. Now when I look back at all those  creations, my embroideries framed and hanging on my walls, I sense a feeling of achievement. I took the initiative of pushing myself out from the comfort zone and starting attending online yoga classes for fitness and completed  sessions in understanding the teachings of some of the scriptures. This was interspersed with a few regular online teaching and training sessions. Slowly and steadily, I gained confidence and learnt a few things about manoeuvring  in the online medium and started enjoying it. I had all the time to reconnect with my friends and colleagues, conduct online coaching sessions and spend time with my family  in a rather relaxed manner  oblivious of the time machine ticking by. A year; I pushed myself to take the pen and paper exams amidst  the COVID-19 for my third master’s degree, completed the rigors of submitting assignments, internships and project report and online practical exams.

Personally, it has been a great time to look within and   introspect and take the first steps towards self- improvement. I learnt the big difference between needs and wants . I practiced frugality and limited our expenses . I found happiness in very simple and small things that life had to offer, finally finding peace within. Learnt to be comfortable with myself. Practiced disconnecting with toxic people

Yes, this year had been tough for all and tested our endurance and patience. I learnt the value of life; the sense of gratitude  and faith helps us stride through the rough waters… as we live on. As I look behind in some sense it has been a year that I have personally grown manifolds as a person in different wheels  of life .

Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths .             Rumi.

Yugen #25 CELEBRATE LIFE

It is a warm sunny afternoon

Here I am sitting in my room

Talking to friends about  the  world we live in

Counting on our blessings each day

Celebrating life as we move along.

The heaviness of the heart still persists

The events of the last few days

Bring tears to my eyes.

A boy known to me and yet unknown in so many ways

A life so young; gone so far ; too soon.

My heart is still crying although the tears have dried up.

What a year 2020 has been !

With so much pain and suffering.

My lips say a silent prayer of gratitude

To the Almighty and the Universe

To keep us safe  and in sound health

Physical, Mental and Emotional;

For these are the times that test the real me.

A silent prayer escapes my lips

Please help me to listen to the words unsaid;

Feel the pain untold;

So that I can reach out and wipe away,

The tears of people

Near and dear.

Life is beautiful

And so are you.

Lets rekindle the faith

Lets come together and celebrate