Yugen 40 Significance and classification of Strokes in Transactional Analysis

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open ? ——- Rumi

• Definition of stroke :  A stroke is defined as a unit of recognition.(Berne,1971 )

         A stroke is a unit of attention which provides stimulation to an individual.

         A  stroke is a special form of stimulation one person gives to another.

Stimulus Hunger : We all have certain hungers that we experience according to Eric Berne. One of them is the need for physical and mental stimulation and this is called stimulus hunger. Stimulus  hunger has the same relationship to survival of  human organism as food hunger.( 1). Stimulus hunger is satisfied by stroking or recognition.

Recognition Hunger : As grownups we learn to substitute the crave of physical touch with other forms of recognition. A smile , a compliment, a frown or an insult all show us that our existence has been recognised. This need of acknowledgement by others is called recognition hunger.

Structure Hunger : Structure hunger the need to establish  a social situation within which the person can       transact with others. To satisfy this, the individual seeks social situations within which time is structured or organise for the purpose of obtaining strokes.

Experiments of strokes :(1) Babies with shriveled spines :

(1)Studies conducted by Dr. Rene Spitz & Dr. Harlow.:Dr. Rene Spitz and Dr. Harlow conducted studies on the infants in European Orphanage. Babies who were not touched, cuddled, not held and stroked soon became withdrawn and lifeless. Their spinal chord got shriveled up. Stimulation is needed for living. It is called stimulus hunger which is satisfied by stroking or recognition.

(2) Maternal Deprivation Syndrome: CASE study of SUSY:

Susy was 22 months old, not able to walk. She had low weight and was not able to even crawl. While sitting the child swings like a pendulum. Susy’s mother complains to doctor that “I am fed up with this child. What can I do?” . A woman with motherly body structure who showed love and affection to children was selected. Seven hours of care daily was given by playing with the child and looking after it with tender love. The hired mother played with Susy, touched the child, caressed her, kissed and feed her with great love. Susy improved and started walking and responding in a short span of 3 months.

        

Significance of stroke

Stroking is a positive or a negative effect of communication on any individual. Communication is an exchange or sharing of information. These communications leave positive impact on the individual whereas hateful words, scolding are the example of negative strokes. It is a way to appreciate others .this leads to positive changes in behaviours. This has huge application in counselling , education and organisations. This enhances morale of teams and motivates people to excel themselves and focus their energies towards attainment of their goals.

Classification of strokes :

1. Verbal and Nonverbal: When words are exchanged it called a verbal stroke.

Eg.    Hi, how are you doing suparna?.   Hello, long time, how have you been. we are all good.

Nonverbal strokes can be nods, waves, shaking hands and hugs.

Eg. :  “Ma, I came first in class”, exclaimed piu. Her mother gives piu a tight hug.

2.Positive and negative: A positive stroke is one in which the receiver experiences a pleasant and good feeling. The stroke lands on the receiver in a favorable way.

 Eg. :  “Wishing you the best in your exams”, says Tom to John.

 Eg.:   “You are looking gorgeous in this saree”, exclaims Tina on seeing mira in the drape.

        Both John and Mira have received positive strokes.

 A negative stroke is one which is unpleasant, painful, hurtful and leaves one feeling upset.

Eg.:    “You are a pain in the neck, seeing you increases my blood pressure “, said boss to team member.

Eg.:     “You are so ugly, nothing looks good on you”, said mother to Tia.

      Here both the team member and Tia were left feeling painful after receiving the negative stroke.

       Any kind of stroke is better than no stroke.

3.Conditional and Unconditional: A conditional stroke relates to what you do. An unconditional stroke relates to what you are.

1. Positive Conditional Stroke (+C): Doing / Performance. This is positive when it lands on the receiver and is subject to the receiver doing an activity.

Eg.:       I like working with you, you are so creative in your approach.

        You presentation to the clients was very impressive today.

        I like your MIS report, it is error free.

        You cleaned your room today, so you are a good girl.

2.Positive Unconditional Stroke (+UC):  Being / Person. This leaves the receiver feeling pleasant and is not based on the person doing an activity. It is more directed to the person, for what he or she is.

 Eg. : You are such an inspiration to me.         

       You are my role model  .

          I enjoy your company.

3. Negative Conditional Stroke (-C):  Doing / Performance. This leaves the receiver feeling unpleasant and is subject to the receiver doing or not doing a particular activity.

Eg.:   I don’t like it when you get less marks in exams.

        You are late to work today and so irresponsible

         I don’t like the suit you are wearing.

         You made so many mistakes in this email, you are an idiot.

4.Negative Unconditional Stroke (-UC):  Being / Person. This is directed to the person and is not subject to any activity or performance of the person.

 Eg. .   I hate you.    

           You are worthless.   

           You are a loser in life.      

          You suck.

Categories of  Strokes :

1.Plastic stroke: Not genuine. These are insincere positive strokes which sound fake and the speaker does not actually mean what is said. Eric Berne called them gum drops, marshmallow throwing and plastic strokes.

Eg.  I read your blogs and feel so inspired by your writings. I remind myself that I too should start writing.

2.Counterfeit stroke: Sounding positive and stroking with a negative sting. These always start with a positive note and then a negative comment takes it all away.

Eg.     You did that well, more or less.

         I am impressed that you managed to complete the report on time, so unlike you.

         You look gorgeous when you make an attempt to dress well.

         You are capable only when you put your mind to it.

3.Self Stroke: Appreciating oneself enhances one’s self esteem and goes a long way to accepting oneself.

Eg.    I love my beautiful smile.

        I am gorgeous.

        I am a great presenter.

        I am a rockstar.

4. No Stroke: Ignoring the presence of a person by not responding at all.

Eg. Seema met Lara in the park, face to face but chose to ignore her and crossed the road without acknowledging her greeting.

5. Internal stroke: stroke from nature, Happy memories, fantasies etc.

Eg.: stroking plants and pets, watering plants, gardening, enjoying memories of travel.

Other concepts of stroke

1.Stroke Filter: Ignore or belittle stroke that does not fit in the stroke quotient. These are strokes based on mental filters that people wear unconsciously through which they allow a few strokes to reach them and reject others while distorting some.

Eg :  Tia thinks she is intelligent but not a beautiful girl. So out of her conscious awareness Tia tends to    ignore strokes related to beauty while accepting one’s that are related to intelligence.

2.Stroke quotient: Museum of our favorite positive or negative strokes.

3. Stroke Bank: Collection of positive strokes as memory and store in bank, used /Credit Bank for its own pleasure. Whenever we get strokes, we accept the strokes and also store them away in a bank. We can go back to our memory and recollect these strokes for self-stroke. However, they lose effectiveness on reusing frequently.

4.Stroke Pattern: Pattern of dealing of different types of strokes giving & accepting and rejecting, asking etc. This is usually adopted from family background.

Eg:  In some families they do not encourage showing positive appreciation and the child learns to stop      expressing positive strokes.

Yugen 39 Bernian Theory of Transactions and its Types

Those sweet words we shared between us,

the vault of heaven has concealed in its heart.

One day they will pour down like rain,

and our secrets will germinate

in this soul of this universe —- Rumi

(A) Definition :Communication between people always takes the form of transactions. Transactions is a basic unit  of social discourse consisting of a transactional stimulus and a transactional response. We can use the ego state model to analyse transactions and what goes on during the process of communication. Transactions can be  parallel, cross or ulterior.

(B) Types of transactions :

COMPLEMENTARY TRANSACTIONS

A transaction is complementary when someone aims a phrase, gesture or action at another person’s and that person replies in the same ego state, as parent, Adult or Child. When 2 people meet there are actually 6 ego states and 9 complementary transactionsinvolved in the conversation.E.g. . PP-critical gossip, AA- solving a problem, CC/PC – Playing together. Some examples are given below from my experiences.

A-A        Stimulus :   Can someone define Ego ?

               Response:  TA is a theory of personality.

Key :      rather unemotional exchange between individuals

P-P         Stimulus : Millennials look terrible in long hair and torn jeans.

               Response: Yes, they do, they don’t respect anything.

Key :      judgements made in general statements and slogans, in absentia

C-C        Stimulus : I like your dress.

               Response: I think you dress is really pretty.

Key :      expression of joy and openness

C-P        Stimulus : Ma can we order pizza for dinner today ?

              Response : Okay, let’s do pizza today

P(CP)-C   Stimulus : Go and have your bath, you are full of dirt and  sweat.

                Response : I want dinner first ,I am hungry.

P(NP)- C    Stimulus : You are so obedient .

                   Response : a big grin (non-verbal)

                                                       

        C) Crossed transactions :

A communication where stimulus and response are crossed and broken off, operate from different ego states is called crossed transaction. There are 72 types of crossed transaction .The four most commonly occurring one are

Type I :    AA-CP      Transference reaction ,responsible for maximum troubles.

Type II  :  AA-PC      Counter Transference reaction

Type III :  CP-AA     Exasperating response

Type IV:   PC-AA     Impudence

Type I Crossed Transaction-Transference : Transference happens in both Type I and Type II .                                                   

Transference occurs when a person redirects some of their feelings or desires for another person to an entirely different person. One example of transference is when you observe characteristics of your father in a new boss. You attribute fatherly feelings to this new boss. They can be good or bad feelings. In 1905, Freud first mentioned the concept of transference literally “carrying over” of past psychological experience which is inappropriate to the present situation or relationship. Transference has to do with certain feelings a client can have towards a therapist, an employee towards a boss, student to a teacher etc. It’s similar to projection. Projection is a feeling you have from yourself that you project on to somebody else.

What is the difference between projection and transference?

Projection is a belief or assumption that others have similar thoughts and experiences as oneself while transference is the process by which emotions and desires, originally associated with one person, such as a parent, are unconsciously shifted to another.

AA—PC, Type II Counter transference reaction:

An unreasonable dislike for the client or excessive positive feelings about the client. Becoming over-emotional and preoccupied with the client’s case between sessions. Dreading the therapy session or feeling uncomfortable during the session. What do you do when you experience countertransference?

If a therapist is experiencing countertransference with their client, they should do the following.

1. Recognize it. Countertransference can easily happen no matter how seasoned a mental health provider is or how long they have been in the field.
2. Consult with Colleagues.  
3. Self-Care.
4. Refer Your Client Out.

Type III : Exasperating Transaction:

Wife: I have been suffering from fever since morning. Now I am feeling uneasy.

Husband: Medicine for fever is available in the cupboard.

CP—AA Type III   exasperating response -where someone wants sympathy, but gets facts instead

Type IV : Smart Alec/Impudence Transactions:

Father: Don’t play now. Go and study.

Son: Physical exercises make our mind healthy. I shall play now for some time.

PC—AA Type IV impudence -expects compliance but gets smart aleck in the form of factual statement

(D)Ulterior Transactions:

 In an ulterior transaction more than two Ego states are involved and there are two level transactions ,Social as well as Psychological which are not congruent. Usually, the social level content is adult-adult and psychological message is parent -child or child-parent. There are two Types of Ulterior Transactions: Angular and Duplex.

Ulterior Duplex Transaction: A social message overlies a psychological level exchange between P and C (less often C-C or P-P) is called a duplex transaction .There are 6480 types of duplex transactions. Out of these 6 are commonly significant (AA-AA) +(CC-CC), (AA-AA) +(PP-PP), (AA-AA) +(PC-CP), (PP-PP) +(CC-CC), (AA-AA) +(CA-CA), (AA-AA) +(PA-PA).

Ulterior Angular Transaction :Here I may address you with a social level stimulus from Adult to Adult. But my secret message is from my Adult to your Child. I hope you will take my invitation and come back with a child response.

Successful: When the Child responds to Adult. There are 18 successful angular transactions

Unsuccessful: Adult maintains control and the response is from the Adult. There are 18 types of unsuccessful Angular transactions.

(E)Other special types of transactions :

Carom Transactions:  Directed from A to B but hoping to influence C who Can overhear it. 

Tangential Transactions: Response is at a tangent.Eg:A.” Who broke the glass”? B “It was broken long back.”

Discounting Transactions: A to B but B Ignores the Stimulus and makes a third unconcerned statement.                                        

Gallows Transactions: Despite the fact that person is facing and moving to his end, he is smiling and is

 called  Gallows laughter. When somebody responds with laughter towards the person, and is  then called    Gallows Transaction.

Bulls eye Transactions: One in which the stimulus addresses all the three Ego states.

(G) Significance and application of transactions :

One can decide how to manage the transactions in order to maintain a smooth parallel flow of exchange. As Stephen Karpman developed the idea that we can choose to transact in whatever way we like. He said “ the object is to change what is going on and get free in whatever way you can .” By studying and noticing the subtle as well as changes in voice, tone and body language, one can predict where the conversation is going and which ego state is the speaker and receiver operating from. It is predictive as well as gives indication of remedial action like changing the ego state during the transaction  can help.

Rules of Communication:

First Rule: As long as transactions remain complimentary, communication can continue indefinitely.

Second Rule: When a transaction is crossed, a break in communication results and one or both individuals will need to shift ego in order for communication to be re-established.

Third Rule: The behavioral outcome of an ulterior transaction is determined at the psychological and not at the social level.

Yugen No. 38 Pathology in Transactional Analysis

What hurts you ,blesses you .

Pathology is concerned with the reactions of living organisms to injury. It is science of the causes and effects of diseases.

(A)Types of pathology : There are two types of pathology, structural and functional .Structural pathology  deals with anomalies of psychic structure. There are two types ,they can be contaminations or exclusions. Exclusions  can be excluded or excluding/constant.

Functional pathology can be of three types and is subclassified as lability of cathexis ,permeability and lesions.

A snapshot of the types is given below.

1)Structural pathology: Itdeals with anomalies of psychic structure.

• Contaminations
• Exclusion
• Excluded
• Excluding/Constant

2)Functional pathology :Concerned with the lability of psychic energy and the permeability of ego boundaries.

• Lability of Cathexis
• Permeability

Structural pathology :Berne suggests that ego boundaries can be thought of as semi permeable membranes through which psychic energy can flow from one ego state to another. Some people continually act in unpredictable ways and others are so predictable they seem monotonous. These disorders are caused by ego state boundaries which are too lax or tight, have lesions or overlap. This is known as structural pathology.

(1)Contamination :Contamination happens when there is overlapping between the ego states in the absence of clear boundaries. As a result, parts of the ego state overlap and flow into the next ego state. Behaviourally it can be noticed as a lack of consistency in the actions.

a)Parent contamination happens when a person mistakes parental slogans and confuses it with fact based adult reality in the here and now. Parental  slogans are taught beliefs which can mar our judgement of current reality and this parental influence is called prejudice.

Examples of my prejudice that have come as parental advices and I am struggling to let go off:

1. Never cut your nails in the evening, it brings bad luck.
2. Don’t leave your hair open, it needs to be tied up.
3. Always step with your right foot first for good luck.
4. Wear red before an auspicious work.
5. Avoid wearing black colour in religious ceremonies and weddings.

Hint to detect parent contamination :While speaking about one self, if the person uses ‘you‘ instead of “I”, it can indicate parent contamination that may have passed on from parents who themselves believed them to be statements of reality. The conversations seem to come across as slogans or doctorial statements .

Child contamination : This happens when a person clouds his grown-up thinking capacity with beliefs from childhood. The fantasies evoke feelings which as a person now is taking as a fact. This come in the way of judging the current situation, where facts are replaced by childhood fantasies. Here the person relives and re-enacts a childhood situation  and mistakes it with grown up reality.

Examples of my fantasies that have come as childhood delusions and I am struggling to let go off:

1. I don’t deserve to be happy.
2. If I laugh too much today, I will cry tomorrow.
3. I am not intelligent.
4. I don’t deserve success.

Hint to come out of  childhood delusions  : It is best to ask questions when in doubt and seek clarity rather than overthinking.

Double contamination :This consists of all outdated and distorted beliefs a person holds about himself, other people and the world, i.e., script beliefs. Double contamination happens when a person replays a parental slogan, agrees to it with a child belief and mistakes both of these for reality..

Example of my double contaminations :1)Don’t trust men ,paired with I should never trust anyone except myself.2)Always be busy , paired with I can never succeed in life

(2)Exclusions: Exclusion is shutting out one or more ego states by the individual. There are two types of exclusion namely Excluded and Excluding/Constant. The pathology of exclusion is seen when a person rigidly stays in one ego state with stereotypical behavior, feeling too threatened to move out of the existing  behavior. 

a)Exclusions Type 1 : Exclusion happens when a person shuts  one of their ego states. There can be 3 possibilities of exclusion of one ego state. Exclusions or excluded ego state  is denoted by  crossing it through and drawing a line between it and the neighbouring circle.

Excluded parent :People who operate with excluded parent lack any sense of directives, parental slogans, advises. As a result, they operate with self-made rules which fits the situation, and these in most cases may not be socially applicable and acceptable. They have the ability to sense what is going around  them very well and use their child like intuition or little professor to take decisions, which may be way off the mark with acceptable norms, rules and processes. Such decisions can be at the spur of a moment made to suit one’s immediate needs with complete disregard to what is acceptable to others. E.g. :Head strong and successful executives , politicians ,mafia bosses tend to disregard what id right from wrong and often bend rules to suit their needs.

Excluded Adult : Here the person switches off the existence of the adult ego state and relies on a constant parent child dialogue that is happening internally. The  absence of adult reality testing leads to distortion in the thoughts ,feelings and actions and reflects a constant struggle. Since the person does not use full adult powers of reality testing, the persons thoughts and actions become bizarre and the person looks psychotic. Inconsistent behaviour, sudden display of emotions ,display of irrational behaviour, making illogical demands and assumptions are examples of excluded adult. E.g., Drug addicts, psychotic and neurotic patients, drunkards.

Excluded child :  Person shuts out the child ego state thereby wiping out all stored memories of childhood. Thereby the person is unable to express feelings as grownups which is done often in our child  ego state. Thus, person appears as’ too heady ;’too cold’ or’ too insensitive and unemotional ‘

E.g. ) A workaholic boss who refuses to give leaves to his staff.   Eg.) A pushy and demanding mother being stern and always expecting good marks from her daughter and punishing her when she does get good grades.

(b) Exclusions Type 2 : If two out of three ego states are excluded, the one operational ego state is labelled constant or excluding and is represented in the diagram with a thick circle.

Constant Parent : Such a person excludes the adult and child ego state and hence is always assessing the  situations with a set of parental rules. Unable to have fun and being serious all the time is a distinct feature. A very critical and self-opinionated person is a constant adult as he or she blocks own self need for intimacy and friendship. My Example : family members of armed forces personnel are always governed by rules and disciplined lifestyle. Priests ,pandits and maulanas are very stern about rituals.

Constant adult : Such a person excludes parent ego state and fun loving and spontaneous child ego state. Always with a serious disposition ,lack of fun ,lack of laughter, no passion ,such a person comes across as a planner, information collector and data processor similar to a robot living a very structured life.

My Example : After my sibling was born ,when I was 6 years old, I recollect that constant command by my mother to behave responsible, somehow led to me behave with constant parent ego state. I stopped having fun with friends in school, rarely indulged in small treats, stopped smiling and laughing  and carried a serious ‘no nonsense ; demeanour. This made me a loner.

Constant child : Such a person has excluded parent and adult ego state and will at all times think, feel and behave in a carefree, irresponsible manner similar to their childhood. Such a person comes across as immature ,impulsive and in some cases hysterical. Such a person always tends to escalate issues when faced with a problem rather than displaying ownership to resolve it.

My Example : Arvind always comes across as a cribber ,escalating even the minutest of issues of the building, during society meeting. He is unable to deal with the reality of the situation and never takes the responsibility to come forward and solve it. He prefers to escalate issues, make a big noise and stay in the background. Constancy is always shown with a thicker circle in the diagram.

2)Functional Pathology : The person with functional pathology is able to cathect ego states and functions that are free from delusions and contaminations. The emphasis of functional pathology is on flow of energy (cathexis) rather than on psychic boundaries i.e., concerned with the lability of psychic energy and the permeability of ego boundaries. There are 2 types

1. Lability of Cathexis
2. Permeability

A)Lability – The disfunction could be stubborn persistence due to roughly viscous flow of psychic energy (Sluggish flow) without defect in ego boundaries OR rapid shifting of ego states due to labile movement of psychic energy. It appeared as if there were low viscosity in the flow between (Sluggish bound and unbound cathexis.

a) Sluggish flow of cathexis:

 (i) People who are slow to start or to stop playing, thinking or moralizing. 

(ii) The patient is obstinately clinging to certain racial and familial prejudices at any cost i.e. remain in Parent for longer period.

b) Very less viscous(labile) flow of cathexis: (i) At the treatment centre, patient changes from indignant bigot (P) to whining child(C) and temporarily fixed to rational adult (A) i.e., shifting ego states rapidly.                             

B)Permeability: This dysfunction is due to the anomaly in the permeability  of cathexis at the ego boundary. Berne suggests that ego boundaries can be thought of as semi permeable membranes through which psychic energy can flow from one ego state to another. Permeability is a measure of the ability of a porous material to allow fluids to pass through it depending on the porosity and shapes of pores. There are two possibilities of anomalies i.e., Rigid ego boundary and another lax ego boundary.

1. Rigid ego boundary –It has less permeable boundary. It prevents flow of psychic energy. Hence it results in exclusion.
2. Lax Ego Boundaries(Highly permeable)  –A person with lax ego boundaries doesn’t close the doors between ego states, but appears to lack identity & self-esteem and gives the impression of slipshod behaviour. They slide from one ego state to another without much intensity.   The psychic energy slips continuously from one ego state to another in response to very minor stimuli. This person may have great difficulty functioning in the real world and be in serious need of professional help. Real self-shifts under small stresses.

Lesions :Lesions happen mostly in Child ego state and occasionally in Parent ego state. Traumas, events  from childhood or a series of unhappy experiences can create long lasting scars (lesions) in Child ego state. They remain as unhealed wounds in the subconscious mind and these sore spots may be activated at any time. A person with ego boundary lesions exhibits uncontrollable behavior when sore points are touched. Then the injury may break open with an outpouring of strong, irrational emotion.

Yugen 37 Cathexis and the Bernian theory of energy

Everything is driven by energy .

(A)Definition :Cathexis (or emotional investment) is defined as the process of allocation of mental or emotional energy to a person, object, or idea. Steiner defines a cathected ego state as one that is “imbued  with the energy necessary to activate muscular complexes involved in behaviour”.

(B)Bernian Theory of Energy :

Eric Berne’s energy theory describes free cathexis and unbound cathexis as two forms of psychic energy. Berne followed Freud in hypothesizing the concept of psychic energy or cathexis(2.). The default system, which is activated during a resting state when attention is not required for a specific task but is free to wander, is proposed as the neural substrate of unbound energy. It  states that a certain quantum of energy exists within the boundaries of each ego state. The behaviour of humans and their perceptions of themselves depend on the distribution of such energy among the ego states. Energy can take different forms, with each form influencing the individual’s behaviour and self-perception.

(C)Bound ,Unbound and Free energy : An analogy of the monkey

Every ego state has a certain amount of energy in potential form. Berne called this bound cathexis . To activate an ego state, the bound cathexis must be transformed into active cathexis. The cathexis can be activated as one of two types, both of which can influence each ego state independently and with differing effects. Berne called the first type free .It involves the activation of bound energy by a voluntary decision made by the individual. The potential energy is analogous to bound cathexis.Bound energy refers to energy which is always present in each ego state whether it is currently being used or not.

Berne defined the second type as unbound cathexis .In this case, the liberation of the bound energy does not occur voluntarily but is activated spontaneously. It may be prompted by influences from either external stimuli or internal stimuli (e.g., an internal dialogue). The potential energy is released as kinetic energy which is the nature of unbound cathexis. Unbound energy refers to energy which moves from one ego state to another in response to another in response to external or internal stimuli.

To illustrate the differences between bound, unbound, and free cathexis, Berne used the well-known metaphor of the monkey in a tree:

If monkey remains inactive, his elevated position gives him only potential energy. If he falls off, this potential energy is transformed into kinetic energy. But because he is a living being, he can jump off, and then a third component, muscular energy, must be taken into account in order to understand how he lands where he does. When he is inactive, the physical energy is bound, so to speak, in his position. When he falls, this energy is unbound, and when he jumps, he adds a third component by free choice. Free energy refers to active energy or energy which is consciously and wilfully directed to a chosen ego state.The kinetic and muscular energy together might be called the active energy. Bound cathexis then corresponds to potential energy, unbound cathexis to kinetic energy, and free cathexis to muscular energy; and unbound cathexis and free cathexis together may be called active cathexis.

(D)Congruity :Congruity is an integrative approach to the theory of psychology and psychotherapy. When someone has executive power in a different ego state from that experienced in real self, there is a split between his behaviour and his internal experience. The presence of incongruity helps a TA practitioner to judge that the subject has shifted his experience of real self out of the adult and into the child. Recognizing  the absence of congruity is a skill to be developed for all TA users. Any behavioural incongruity ordinarily indicates the presence and cathexis of more than one ego state.

Incongruity : The division between executive and real self obviously poses extra problem for ego state diagnosis. ¢ Since the ego state with executive power is the one which determines behavior, you would expect that the person‘s behavioral clues would indicate that ego state. Eg: Dreaming while discussion .

(E)Real self and Executive self :

How are self-perception and behaviour influenced by the movement of energy? According to Berne, the ego state that has the most free cathexis at any given moment is perceived as the self. However, to determine which ego state is controlling an individual’s behaviour and thus exercising executive power, the unbound cathexis must be taken into account. Indeed, the executive power lies in the ego state in which the sum of unbound cathexis and free cathexis is greater. This kind of description is useful for explaining several phenomena observed in the clinical context, such as the contamination of one ego state by another .

Eg:When I am sitting and writing down my answers ,I am not moving or interacting with others around me at home as I am focussing on reading and writing. At that time, I may come demonstrate behaviour indicating that I am in an adult state. However deep within ,I may be thinking of the time when I can enjoy once the submission is done. This takes me to a child  day dreaming . So, my executive self is adult ego state but I am in child ego state as real self. Thus, we realise that when someone has executive power in a different ego state from that experienced as real self, there is a split between his behaviour and his internal experience.

(F)Ego systonic and Ego dystonic :

Ego syntonic: In this state the ‘Real Self’ and ‘Executive Self’ reside in one and the same ego state. In this case both Free energy and Unbound energy are more in one particular ego state.

Eg : Suparna is sitting in the review meeting and listening with rapt attention to what the presenter is saying. She also gives her suggestions with  complete logic and reasoning. She is demonstrating ego systonic as  her real self and executive self are in the same ego state ie. Adult.

 Ego dystonic: In this case the Real self and Executive Self reside in two ego states. Here the level of Free energy and Un-bound energy combined(active energy) is more in two separate ego states .

Eg: Suparna is sitting in the review meeting. After attentively listening for a few minutes, her attention wanders to whether things are ok at home, whether the maid has come in to clean the house and cook food, and whether everything is ok with the kid. Her real self is  in  Parent ego state now while the executive self is in Adult ego state.

A patient with a contaminated Adult could have free cathexis in the Adult but unbound cathexis in the Child or Parent. Here , the executive power might pass from the Adult to the Child or the Parent. Berne described the contamination of a woman who had a fixed idea that she was being spied on in the bathroom. This aspect of her personality was adult ego syntonic. If we view such contamination from the point of view of the distribution of energy cathexis, the unbound cathexis coming from her Child invaded her Adult and disabled part of her reality-checking ability. While the distribution of energy remains as it is, the irrational idea will continue to be adult ego syntonic. To affect such processes in therapy with patients, therapists can promote a redistribution of cathexis through their interventions.

When the real self and the executive self are in the same ego state, the person feels congruent with her behaviours and they are said to be ego systonic. However, when the real self and the executive self are in different ego states, the person feels incongruent with her behaviours which are then called ego dystonic or ego alien.When our Adult or parent has enough free energy to be experienced as our real self then some behaviour of our child may even be experienced as ego dystonic.

Yugen 36 Enhancing Personal Awareness by using the Egogram

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.         ― Rumi

Lets first understand the concept of Egogram. Egogram is a graphical representation on the degree in which a person makes use of the different functional ego states.An Egogram is simply defined as: ‘a bar graph showing the relationship of the parts of the personality to each other and the amount of psychological energy emanating outward .Egogram is a visual representation of how individual psychic energy is distributed throughout her functional ego states . The egogram is a relationship diagram, depicting the amount of energy a person uses externally or actively as she relates to others.

Egogram is an intuitive way of showing the functional ego state parts of our personality.It is shown as a bar graph showing the amount of energy within the ego structure of the person and how he/she re-distributes this energy within the different ego states at a given point in time. As these are functional manifestations of ego states, this refers to behaviours and not internal processes.(which would need to be represented by structural analysis). It may not be consistent across environments e.g., Home and work, but it is a useful way of describing personality functioning and identifying change strategies. This was developed by Jack Dusay in 1972 who received the eric berne memorial award in 1973.A person learns to respond from certain ego states at certain times to get what she wants. Different people tend to spend varying amounts of time and energy in different ego states and these tendencies can be illustrated by egograms.

How do you construct your own Egogram ?

The Egogram gives an evaluation of the distribution of energy in the personality, and it can be used by the individual to show how much energy is needed to be re-distributed to other parts of the personality to make positive change. It is simple to construct and use. Draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper. Underneath, label the five ego states – adapted child, free child, adult, controlling parent and nurturing parent. Think of yourself at this particular time or at a specific moment in the past, draw whatever you feel is the most energised part of your personality, and draw it with a vertical line. (This will be your highest column.)Now, using your intuition, draw the lowest energised part of your personality as it is in comparison with the other. (This will be the lowest column.)Then fill in the other states as you see them in comparison with the above.

Having done the exercise, you should have now an egogram of the distribution of your energy within your personality at a given time. This will help you see where you might need at certain times to re-distribute your energy to help solve problems in life or therapy.Internal egogram is an egogram drawn by an individual herself to disclose her internal experience. Composite egogram is drawn by asking ten members to draw my egogram and then taking an average of the same.

For e.g. I experienced a High internal controlling parent message,” do as I tell you”, and responded from my Adapted Child by bowing my head and standing still and quiet. My internal egogram drawn by me , showed a very high Controlling Parent  and very high Adaptive Child and a very low Free Child, whereas  my transactional egogram drawn by others  showed a low Controlling Parent, a high Nurturing Parent  and a high Adapted Child.During and post my TA studies when I drew my egogram ,there was a significant increase in my Adult, Nurturing Parent and Free child and reduction in my Controlling Parent and Adaptive Child.

Constancy of hypothesis :Jack Dusay suggests in his book on Egograms, when the energy in one Ego state increases, the energy in another Ego state decreases, which means that one can successfully distribute one’s energy from one Ego state to another. Egograms are based on constancy hypothesis which states that the amount of psychic energy within a person remains constant. . (2.). When one ego state increases in intensity, another or others must decrease in order to compensate. The shift in psychic energy occurs so that the total amount of energy may remain constant. The general principle used in the egogram is using this to emphasise on raising the lower ego state than lowering the higher ones.

For Eg : When I started my focus on enhancing my Adult awareness, automatically my Free Child increased and my Critical Parent and Adaptive Child decreased.

My experience of transformation using egogram:

I had a high CP  and AC this coming from living a very disciplined and instruction led life . A strongly laid down rule book   at home while growing up, led to a high AC in me, lowering my FC and A. When I became a mother, I was conditioned to think and behave that child should be disciplined by strict parents. This increased my CP  and reduced my A. With the study of TA and conscious awareness and work on myself on a continuous basis, I have enhanced my A and NP and FC substantially. Due to constancy hypothesis automatically,  this has resulted in a decrease in my CP and AC. Indeed, having used Egograms successfully in my own self-evaluation, I can see graphically, the kind of person I am  and  it  shows me  the way  I can positively change to be the person that I want to be in my life today.

CPo +NPo +Ao+ACo+FCo =Ko    where Ko represents a constant figure.

1. You can learn what kind of person you are, and also about others to whom you relate.
2. If we want to become effective helpers, then we need to become aware of the way(s)
   in which we tend to communicate and seek to have more control over choosing
   how we communicate.
3. People can see for themselves what they need to change.

Changing involves an important principle of life  “Whatever you give attention to, grows, and whatever you don’t give attention to, diminishes.”

Yugen No 35 Understanding the dynamics of the PAC model

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.     ― Rumi

The process of analysing personality in terms of ego states is called structural analysis. Eric Berne defined an ego state as a consistent pattern of feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behaviour. Structural analysis is the analysis of the individual psyche.

FIRST AND SECOND ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL  :A COMPARISON

First order of Structural Analysis is looking at how two people interact with each other from their various ego states. Second order Structural Analysis is about studying the interaction between one’s own ego states and how that plays out in relationship with problem.           

At any given time, a person experiences and manifests his or her personality through a mixture of behaviours, thoughts, and feelings .There are three ego-states that people consistently use.

FIRST ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL :

Parent (“exteropsyche”): The Parent ego state refers to the behaviours, thoughts and feelings that are copied, learned or even borrowed from our parents, parental figures, or significant others.

Adult (“neopsyche”): Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.

Child (“archaeopsyche”): a state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how they did in childhood. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity, and intimacy.

SECOND ORDER STRUCTURAL MODEL :

The second order structure refers to the subdivision of Parent and Child ego states.                                                                          

Each one of us has unaccountable number of experiences of thoughts, feelings and behavior stored away in memory. The purpose of the second order structural model is to classify these memories in a useful way, with in our framework of ego states. These networks form ego state structures that operate partly consciously and partly unconsciously. The conscious part is observable as distinct ego states, and through further investigation, the operation of unconscious parts, which can be thought of as ego state relational units , can be discovered as well. The structural model classifies stored memories and strategies. The complexity of the second order analysis clarifies how a person may respond in many different ways to a single stimulus.

P2- 6 years onwards      A2-18-36 months    C2- P1-3-6 years           A1-  6-18 months               C1-  0-6 months

  Parent ego state :

P3(Parent in Parent ): This is a store house of messages which may be passed down in generations, facts which are not true today. This is messages we receive from our parents, grandparents ,teachers, influential elders in family and society.

For e.g., Hurry up. Mother is screaming at me for being slow. Mother is ignoring me because she is angry with me. Girls are a burden  and should not be loved. Don’t give girls any gifts . Don’t make girls feel special.

A3(Adult in Parent ):   the reason of the messages and why are they important.

For e.g., Hold your baby brother carefully ,or he will fall.

C3(Child in Parent) : Any secret or covert implications of the messages. For e.g. Having a baby brother is fun.

Adult ego state :

A2 – computer . It is based on data and thoughts. Our own thinking about the message. This about reality testing, here and now thinking and feeling.

For e.g. When mummy puts her hands on her hips, she is very angry with me.

Child ego state :

P1(Parent in Child): Magical parent or electrode for e.g. I must not cry and give up. I have to be strong to survive. I have no one to pamper and take care of me . I will have to grow up on my own and take care of myself. I have to study hard, work hard and earn money to exist and be accepted by my parents. My parents don’t want me .They don’t love me. I am a burden to them.

A1(Adult in Child): little professor.  For e.g.  Whenever I spill milk mother gets mad at me. Mother doesn’t approve of me petting my infant brother. I need to take permission before eating something or else mother will get angry. I must never demand anything. I should not throw tantrums in front of others.

C1(Child in Child) : For e.g. My granny hugging me at sleep, my masi comforting me after me being scolded by my mother, my father giving me a good beating. If I act nice ,everyone will love me. No one wants me near them. No one hugs me because they don’t love me.

Relevance  of PAC model in life experiences:

A young child records almost everything in her parent. Parent tapes like C1 memories are recorded experiences of past events which once formed become part of the persons physiology. These experiences are stored in the chemistry of the organs and muscle tones. No amount of new experiences can truly erase these recordings, since they will always be a part of the persons history.

For e.g. If a person was abused as a child, even years of positive nurturing experience in adulthood will not change the reality of her past abuse. however, once the new experiences are also part of the persons parent, her child may select which of these tapes she will replay.

Yugen # 34 Transactional Analysis – A Brief Introduction

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

Transactional Analysis is a theory of Personality and systematic psychotherapy for personal development and personal change. This concept was given by Eric Berne.Eric Berne was born on May 10, 1910, in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, as Eric Lennard Bernstein. He was the son of David Hillel Bernstein, MD, a general practitioner, and Sarah Gordon Bernstein, a professional writer and editor. His only sibling, his sister Grace, was born five years later. The family immigrated to Canada from Poland and Russia. Berne’s father died of tuberculosis when Berne was 11. His mother then supported herself and her two children working as an editor and writer. She encouraged her son to follow in his father’s footsteps and to study medicine. After completing his one-year internship in 1936, he began his psychiatric residency at the Psychiatric Clinic of Yale University School of Medicine, where he worked for two years.

He developed the tripartite scheme used today (Parent, Adult, and Child), introduced the three-circle method of diagramming it, showed how to sketch contaminations, labelled the theory, “structural analysis”, and termed it “a new psychotherapeutic approach”.By the 1970s, because of TA’s non-technical and non-threatening jargon and model of the human psyche, many of its terms and concepts were adopted by eclectic therapists as part of their individual approaches to psychotherapy. Within the framework of transactional analysis, more recent transactional analysts have developed different and overlapping theories of transactional analysis: cognitive, behavioural, relational, redecision, integrative, constructivist, narrative, body-work, positive psychological, personality adaptational, self-reparenting, psychodynamic and neuro constructivist

Berne was influenced by many teachers who influenced his thinking and inspired him to work on this field for therapy to patients. Professor Eugen Kahn, German Psychiatrist and Eric Berne teacher on psychoanalytic theories,Dr. Paul Federn Austrian ,American psychologist spoke of functions of ego formation,Professor Erik Erikson, German American developmental Psychologist and Psychoanalyst worker and taught Eric Berne on psychotherapy and Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist laid the foundation of phenomena of transference and resistance and multi- faceted components of personality

Assumptions  and Principles in TA :

(1)People are OK. This is the fundamental acceptance that regardless of what you do, no matter what you think, or despite your feelings you are a worthwhile, valuable person in your own right. You are special. Everyone is special. We are all as important as each other. This is a statement of essence and not behaviour.

My personal takeaways from this are

• You and I both have worth, value and dignity.
• You accept me as me and I accept you as you.
• We are all equal and no one is one up on the other.
• I recognise your presence in my life and acknowledge you for being you and vice versa.
• I will not attempt to change people to suit my needs ,although the person has a different appearance and qualities that do not fit into my frame .
• I will accept people openly for what they are over what they do and have.
• I must respect everybody and accept them as they are.
• Positive reinforcement increases the feeling of OKness in all of us.
• Each person has validity, importance and equality of respect.
• Each of us deserves positive strokes because we all co -exist.
• I must positively stroke and accept the damaged and unaccepted  parts of my personality to heal myself. I can change myself by stroking the rejected part and making it unite with the accepted part of my personality.
• My awareness of myself and my behaviour with people around me will heal me of my damages, pain and suffering.

2) We can all think. If we have all got the capacity to think then we have all got the capacity to work out what we want and work out how to get there.

My personal takeaways from this are

• Everyone who has a functional brain can think.
• Everyone can decide and live the consequences of their choices
• I should not underestimate anyone’s ability to think and decide.
• I should not look down or judge anyone’s capabilities.
• All have a basic lovable core and desire for personal growth.

3)People decide their own destiny and have the power to change these decisions at any time. If we got to where we are today because of the decisions that we made then it’s within our power to change these decisions. We can be who we want to be and achieve our goals if that’s what we choose to do. Small changes may start the process and build up to larger changes when it feels safe.  It’s about getting around the barriers to change together.  Sometimes they need kicking down, sometimes we go round them and sometimes we realise that although they look like they are there, when we examine them up close, they are not there at all.

My personal takeaways from this are

• I have only one life  and I am making my own life.
• I make my own decisions and have to face the consequences of those decisions.
• I have to take ownership of our own decisions and be accountable for the actions and results.
• The power to change my life lies with me.
• With awareness I can change my life to a more meaningful and fulfilling one.
• I will not resort to luck and fate and blame others for my problems.
• All emotional difficulties in life are curable.

PRINCIPLES OF TA:

• Contract which can be an administrative one as well as a psychological contract emphasising on mutual respect ,trust and confidentiality. This enables to set expectations and goals for parties involved in TA.
• Open communication which is free of jargons and acknowledges that you and I are on equal levels.This enables mutual acceptance, respect and non- violent communication between the parties.

Yugen #33 The Magic of studying Transactional Analysis : My Journey of discovering my script by looking within

This article is to inspire and ignite our minds and realise the lives we live in complete or partial unawareness of how scripts dominate most of our decisions. I am a diploma student of Transactional Analysis and the decision to study TA has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself in my life. I have always been a careful spender of time and money and always thought that I am born to struggle. I have been trying to get answers for myself, why do I behave the way I do, dealing with the complexity of my polarities and many a times confused with my own behaviour. I have studied psychology to help me get answers to this inner conflict in my mind and I am so glad that TA has helped me to make a beginning in this self -discovery. What we commonly call as faith and destiny is a script that we have written for ourselves and received as a gift from our parents and elders at home. That we are the owners of our own life and have the ability to rewrite it instead of continued unhappiness and suffering ,has been the most important discovery for me.

As I was growing up ,since early childhood I have experienced the exclusions and differential treatment from my parents as compared to their male heir, my brother. I lived for more than 52 years of my life thinking that this was my destiny. TA has given me the answers of how this has impacted my self-esteem and self-worth. The fact that I have been punishing myself by thinking that I do not deserve something good or that I am not good enough is only a frame I choose to live my life by and that it is not too late to regain control of my life. I quote from the wisdom of Panchatantra.

These 5 are fixed for every man

Before he leaves the womb

His length of days, his fate, his wealth,

His learning and his tomb

                                                      — Panchatantra 200 BC

I have read a lot of self- help and motivational books that emphasised the importance of positive outlook in life and the gift of gratitude. This failed to satisfy my inner turmoil and reading and studying TA has provided me with a scientific understanding of the reasons and impacts of certain parental injunctions, the drivers I continue to pursue and helped unleash my energy and hidden potential when I have discovered that I could give myself the permission to be autonomous, happy and free. It helped me realise how I let my parents control me and my life all these years. Today I choose to become consciously aware of all the passivity  and unhealthy symbiosis in my life.

It set me thinking. What is my life story ? Is it sad, happy, satisfied, fearful resentful, filled with grief and hurt  ? What would be the title of my story? How would I choose to write the closing scene ?

As Eric Berne said “The destiny of every human being is decided by what goes on inside his skull when he is confronted with what goes on outside his skull. Each person decides in early childhood how he will live and how he will die.”

TA helped me to understand how I have been seeking comfort in my outdated beliefs and  strategies about myself and others around me. The urges were actually racket feelings and not genuine expressions, thus I was living a scripted life. The inherent desire to be accepted and be loved by my parents was the reason for my behaviour that was pushing me always to please my parents, many a times at the cost of impacting my marital life in an adverse way. It has taken me years to gain the strength to say no and be assertive about things I want in my life for myself and not what others want me to do for them. I have also realised that many a times I have been trying to escape from taking personal responsibility of my actions, by blaming my parents. I have understood the reasons that decisions made by me as a kid ,then with my child like intellect ,as I was growing up influenced and impacted me in a very destructive  way, I continued to live a scripty life based on what I felt when I was about 6-7 years old, just the time when my sibling was born and I experienced neglect and hatred. I also have become aware of the games that I have been a part of like  Kick me, Blemish and a few more ,out of my awareness. Today I am more enduring of how the parental injunctions and drivers have influenced my decisions and mannerisms. Many of the harsh statements still ring in my ears .I acknowledge now  that I have a choice to choose my way ahead and not continue to be a victim and lament about it. The freedom ,joy and autonomy that I have been experiencing in the past one year has been very liberating.

To get into the depth I looked within and asked myself these questions .

What did my parents tell me about life when I was little ?

What did my parents say to me when they were angry ?

What kind of conversations did I have with my parents ?

The answers were not pleasing but I understood what lead me to scripty behaviours in my life.  The parental programming determined how and when my urges were expressed and how and when the restraints were imposed. I understand today how parental programs sets up the circuits in a certain way in order to get certain results or payoffs. This in turn sets up a lot of passive behaviours, unhealthy symbiosis, racket feelings and games. Such is the influence that all the responses of a child are determined by parental directives even as the child grows up into an adult. It’s like a voice inside the head that constantly tells you what to do and what not to do. The lack of autonomous decisions steals away our opportunity to  be free and happy. It’s like a broken record that keeps on playing inside our head telling us that if we do something we are going to hurt somebody. It was a discovery and sheer delight to realize the formula of my script.

Early parental influence : influence of early authority figures on us

Program: denotes how script is organised

Compliance: does the script comply with parental influence or not ?

Important behaviour : behaviours that maintain the script

Payoffs : all scripts have payoffs that maintain the frame of reference

A scripty life steals away from us the ability to live life  filled with awareness, spontaneity and impacts the intimacy in our relationships. The drivers and process scripts influence how we discount our ability and potential in decision making and problem solving. The frame of reference itself is distorted. TA helped me to deep dive and realise this . The curses, injunctions, provocations ,prescriptions, adult instructions, demonic impulses and finally the spell breaker is the magic of self-discovery.

When you replace “Why is this happening to me?” with “ What is this trying to teach me ?” everything shifts.

The study of TA has helped me to shift , what about you ?

Yugen #32 – Coping with Loss

Your Body is away from me,

But there is a window open

From my heart to yours                          ————-   Rumi

The year 2020 and 2021 has been a very tricky one for most of us. We never envisaged that one has to face and deal with loss and grief of such huge proportions in the last few decades post the Spanish flu, the great Bengal famine and the two world wars. Today as we crawl towards a new normal life, one has become more wiser and reflective thanks to all the time we had to ourselves confined in closed spaces, to think about our purpose and what does life have in store for me ?

Today the corporate world is facing a new challenge – the  great resignation syndrome ? But what has triggered thi? People have become more aware of the meaning of life and what intimacy actually means. With sudden loss of near and dear ones, the inability to say fond good byes, the travel restrictions coming in the way to accompany the person in their final journeys and many more such activities that we just took for granted have started hitting us hard. We want to make the most of what we are left with, live in the moment for we do not know what lies ahead of us.

People are coping with loss in various ways. For some the daily 9 to 5 routine for money is no more appealing .They are increasingly questioning the value of time, the value of their relationships at home and work, their identity and self- esteem.

Do I feel loved ?

Do I feel wanted?

Do I feel respected for what I do ?

Any place that does not provide answers in the affirmative, home or work, is today a small trigger to say a goodbye to a bond that is no longer serving its purpose of mutual needs. I see more and more youngsters quitting their jobs to take up freelance assignments and happy to travel for months in nomadic existence. People around me have become so simple in their existence and demands of personal needs. Less is more today. People  are more accepting of frugal means of living. Materialistic forms of self-gratification for many have taken a back seat and they prefer to spend money on experiences, living through travel, gardening, loving pets, social causes etc. The ethos of society is probably moving more towards humanity and compassion post the pandemic…which incidentally is still not over.

Post the wars its only now that we had to deal with loss of various kinds

Loss of social contact due to lockdowns

Loss of personal spaces due to work from home norms

Loss of movement due to travel restrictions

Loss of  lives due to covid

Loss of identity due to remote working

Loss of personal security due to increased anxiety

Loss of wealth due to economy slowdown

Loss of expression especially for children forbidden to play in parks and sports grounds

Loss of peace and security due to living with unknown future

Loss of love within family members unable to express physical touch due to distance

Loss of friendships due to death ,separation, distance

Loss of relationships especially for working professionals who miss the casual conversations over tea breaks.

Moving from denial to acceptance(DABDA ,refer Kubler Ross grief curve) has been a huge transformational journey for most of us.

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.

Because for those who love with their heart and soul

There is no such thing as separation.                            Rumi

Yugen # 31 Falling in love with Loneliness

There is a difference between Loneliness and Solitude,

One will empty you and one will fill you.

You have the power to choose.       —   Rumi

If you are afraid to be alone, it means you’re afraid of your thoughts. There is always a particular thought that triggers any stressful feeling. It could be you thinking of something that you don’t have and thus you tend to give yourselves a lot of discomfort. So do you always believe what you think? The way out is  to always question your thoughts and question the thoughts behind your unhappiness. The unspoken belief is that unless people approve of me, I’m worthless , useless and unsuccessful. We tend to see and evaluate our existence based on the judgements given by others. This constant need to seek love, attention, admiration and approval is the main reason of a feeling of emptiness within us. Its only when you learn to be comfortable with yourself will you admire the power of silence and solitude.

During testing times of the pandemic, the world is trying to deal with grief and loss. Unable to make social connections, many are driven to confinement and loneliness. How does one learn to deal with this? The essence of existence is then to accept and start being comfortable with loneliness and this demands that we start getting comfortable with ourselves first.

A season of loneliness and isolation is when a catepillar gets its wings    Mandy Hale

A deep introspection of these questions may help you.

WHO AM I ?  

Ask yourself this question over and over again . Dig deeper into yourself and peel the outer layers of your personality just like how we peel the layers of an onion to reach the inner core. This is your  true self. Accept and acknowledge it, only then will you be comfortable with yourself. You can cut all the clutter and noise and the silence will  no longer invoke fear or depression but a gentle wave of joy and peace will surround you.

So, do you tend to associate your identity to your profession or your relationships status ? Have you discovered something more about yourself ? Did this lead you to recollect and rekindle a part of you that lay hidden beneath the sheets of societal and parental conditioning. How do I treat myself ? Do I pity myself? Do I see myself as a victim of my circumstances? The crucial  part is that our mind gets stuck  and we need to push ourselves to find reasons to move ourselves out of this rut.

If you’ve ever felt lonely before, you know just how badly it can hurt. Scientists have even called loneliness an epidemic due to how widespread and severe the isolation can seem in our modern way of living. We all have feelings of being alone in this world from time to time, but we can learn valuable lessons through the seemingly unbearable pain. The next time you feel lonely remember

“When you are evolving to your higher self, the road seems lonely. But you’re simply shedding energies that no longer match the frequency of your destiny.” – Unknown

Its your road and yours alone. Other may walk it along with you, but no one can walk it along with you.