During these days I have spend a great deal of time with myself ,thinking about my past ,incidents that have brought me happiness, fear, sadness. Things that I don’t want to talk about because few events have brought in a feeling of experiencing shame, an emotion not widely recognised and appreciated but best buried beneath deep layers in our mind, sealed never to come out from our lips . Fear of being told, “ How could you do that ?” or “ You have brought shame of our family.” An invisible but subconsciously aware list of Do’s and Don’ts’s always precede our actions.
During my school days I was ashamed that we couldn’t afford some luxuries . I had just one dress I remember so clearly, a maroon coloured china silk , knee length dress with a little white lace on the neck and shoulders, which I would wear to every birthday party, wedding , social events for three four years. It was a thing of beauty and happiness for me as It made me feel like a princess. On my school farewell party, a classmate remarked…I don’t remember who but what was said, till this date makes me freeze in shame . “ You don’t have anything else to wear, you wear this same dress everywhere you go .” This took away from me the joy of the party and made me squirm inside . I was so ashamed of myself that I shed a few tears and told my mother that “Are we so poor that I cannot have another dress.”
This wasn’t the first time I felt shame. As a school going kid, staying in a lush green colony ,with friends staying in bigger quarters, I was always aware that I am different , I cannot have everything. Our summer holidays were spends idling away in our friend’s homes. I recollect a friend had a beautiful baby doll, with eyes that shut and opened with a little voice when it was pressed. Her father had picked it from abroad during one of the company sponsored trips. Everyone took turns playing with this infant baby look alike doll. I came home and asked my mother if I could have one which was met with a refusal . When I protested loudly that I don’t get anything I want whereas my younger kid brother’s wishes were honoured, I received a tight slap across my cheeks which had the company of my salty tears. I went back to hug my broken babu, a doll with broken hands and legs, explaining to my self ,that perhaps I don’t deserve anything new and nice.
I grew up with no celebration of birthdays as my birthday fell closer to the end of the month where cash flow in a middle- class family with a single earning member is a challenge. During my first year at junior college I had this urge to celebrate my birthday with a few close friends . I asked my mother for hundred rupees, a great deal of money in mid – eighties, so that we could share a thumbs up and eat vada pav in the college canteen . Again, no was the answer.
If anyone asks me a metaphor for myself today, I will probably resonate with the lotus. A lotus seed lies rock bottom on the lake ,filled with muddy, dark, mucky water. The sheer resilience allows it to grow its shoots while anchoring itself strongly on the lake bed. The urge to reach the sky and see the sunshine pushes the lotus sapling to grow on its own till it finally reaches the water surface . As time passes it grown a bud and then this bud blooms into a beautiful lotus flower ,fragrant dancing away in the breeze amidst the dark unclear waters. So has been my life ,always denied of small pleasures of life. Till date I grave for crayon colours and I find myself entering a bookshop and walking straight to buy my hearts content of colours , paints and sketch pens, fulfilling my childhood desires.
I also acknowledge that whilst I love gifting things to others ,I have a severe problem in receiving . I just cannot ask for things from people ,even close family members. Its as if I have to deny myself because I am conditioned to not receiving anything from others.
As I write this, I am experiencing shame to disclose such details about my childhood , but I tell myself its okay to be ashamed ,acknowledge it and move on. I have moved on , have you ?
The dark thought, the same ,the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond. —————- RUMI
Suparna's Yugen 